Tom's Views

How is it that we’ve come to live in such a tit-for-tat or quid pro quoculture these days? Are people just so worried about losing something that they’ve become reluctant to truly give of themselves unconditionally? 

In fact, we need not   get everything back   we   give in kind  in order to secure lasting happiness; money being the possible exception to this. So why are people so intent on keeping such detailed scores of who does what and when?  Why do they insist on getting everything back that they give in such precise measures?  That doesn’t sound very compassionate of them to me. 

It’s true that getting something back for our efforts feels nice, because it shows that our beneficiaries appreciate us.  But refusing kindness to those who really need it because we estimate that they cannot give us something equally valuable back, is crazy.  Why?  Because by passing up opportunities to   give of ourselves   without reservation, we’re also skipping over chances to raise our levels of   contentment in life.  Since lacking contentment in life seems to trouble people more than ever these days, I’d say that society in general really needs to practice more   unconditional love   giving, and be far less concerned with over-giving.

Loving unconditionally (something that the selfish person might deem as over-giving) is a joyous thing and is thus, probably the most effective anti-depressant available.  Yet so many folks fail to give in the most therapeutic ways possible (E.g. unconditional giving), because they’re so concerned that they’ll be taken or that they’ll waste their lives giving without getting the happiness they seek in return.  Indeed, they have their own agendas for reaching happiness and believe that they must stay focused on only those paths to reach it, else they’ll never be happy.  So they refuse to take the time to give in ways that others need them to do so. 

Consider the dispositions of those who do not give much, and I think you’ll find them to be chronically sad, depressed, mean, and discontented with their lives.  I’m sure most of us have observed that grumpy old man or woman neighbor; the person who sees no one, and will not allow little kids into his or her yard to fetch a ball that they kicked there by accident.  Nor will this ironically lonely individual retrieve their ball for them. He’d rather deny himself their company even though it would only be for a few minutes. This sad person paces the halls in his house, all by herself, angry, frustrated, snappy, and worst of all, unfulfilled.  If only they’d try reaching out a capable hand to help others less capable now and then, they’d probably find opportunities for lasting happiness in places where they never expected to find it.  Giving is such a loving thing; at least as much so for the giver as the receiver.

My lady friend enjoys giving me long back massages, but I don’t return them because I just don’t enjoy doing them. Instead, I reimburse her favor in other ways: I help her shop. I buy her things she needs for her apartment. Plus, I bail her out when she accidentally messes up her computer.  Indeed, I devote much energy to making her day better, although it’s not the same energy that she devotes to improving my day.  So, while I’m confident that I return the general pleasure to her that she gives to me, I realize that I do not give her back precisely what she gives to me.  But there’s nothing wrong with that arrangement, as long as both people are getting things they wish to receive in the relationship. 

Thus, there’s no hard and fast rule that says that if I accept anything at all, that I must give that same thing back in return.  Who made that up?  We need less quid pro quo and more   unconditional love   both given and received, to lessen society’s need for therapists, anger management, and other expensive yet stopgap remedies for unhappiness.  Next time you feel angry, sad, or depressed, just try giving unconditionally of yourself to someone that really needs your kindness.  See if then, you don’t feel better about your life. 

Tom Hesley

Often sighted people wonder how blind men can find women attractive given that he cannot see them. Well, in short, the allure of women reaches way beyond any visual boundaries created by blindness. So while her visual appearance can indeed be a compelling reason to pursue a relationship with her, there are many other non-visual trappings about attractive women as well, that enable a blind man to still know and enjoy her beauty. Consider that:

• Without vision, a blind man relies more on his remaining senses (hearing, smell, touch, and eventually, taste) to assess just how sexy a woman truly is to him.
• While he may not be able to view her beauty from afar, a blind man can hear her voice (a prime indicator of attractiveness), listen to how she walks, hear her clothes rustling about and thus, get an idea of how she dresses, how she sings, whispers, sighs, hums, and so on.
• He can hear what other men are saying about her as well (particularly, the sighted men), and thus, get an idea of how attractive his sighted peers believe her to be.
• The blind man can appreciate how she speaks; her choice of words, her temperament, and gain valuable insights into how she thinks in general by how she addresses him and others.
• The sense of smell can provide valuable clues about the woman’s attractiveness as well. It can answer questions like: Is she clean? Is she healthy? What does she enjoy eating? How often does she brush her teeth and take a bath? Does she take a lot of meds? Does she smoke or drink, and how much?
• As he gets to know a lady, the blind man can employ his sense of touch. She may guide him to a seat by offering him her arm to hold while she leads. Or she may give him a friendly hug of greeting. From this, he can gather how thin or heavy she is, how tall, her body type, and her overall level of physical fitness. Indeed, at worst, blindness only delays attraction; it does not prevent it in most of the blind males I’ve known.
• If the relationship progress to intimate levels, the blind man, like anyone else, can use his sense of taste (kissing, caressing, an so on) to learn more about her that helps him determine whether she’s to his liking or not.
• Finally, one does not require sight to know how well or poorly someone treats them. Blind men are likely just as sensitive to this as any sighted man, and perhaps more so because a blind man must trust the woman more not to betray him in a love relationship. More on this in future posts. But here, suffice it to say that blind men are highly capable of recognizing what they want with their skills of evaluation and inference, without literally seeing it first

Again, while full vision would enable the blind man to more quickly gather this information earlier on in a new relationship, his sightlessness does not prevent him from accurately assessing her candidacy for true love. One does not need good sight to gather this critical information and thus, determine if he’s attracted to the woman. Indeed, blind men are just at “turned on” by women as are sighted men; in fact at times, more so, since there are no visual distractions or deterrents for him to be “turned off” by. While it’s true that he may have to wait a bit, until she moves close to him, to know just how attractive she is, her magnetism is still easily deduced without seeing.

Tom Hesley

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The definition of an   offensive dating double standard   as I use the phrase in this blog is as follows:

• An offensive dating double standard exists when someone involved in the love trade (such as occurs in romantic relationships), seeks to get something of obviously greater value than what they offer in return. He wants more than he’s willing to give, and expects that he should get greater pleasure from the love relationship than his lover.
• In a worse scenario, the dating double standards people expect involvement with their lover to satisfy them. But they do not care if their lover achieves any pleasure at all. In fact, often, they accept gratification at the expense of their lover’s, such as when a guy wants to receive a back massage but is unwilling to return the same to her.
• A sure indicator of a dating double standard is when one partner insists that the other incurs greater hardship than they, in order to keep the relationship going. E.g. Men are typically expected to provide a greater portion of money to support the relationship than woman. Also, women are expected to provide the sexual allure that helps make the task of procreation appealing enough to complete.
• One lover wants the other to demonstrate higher morality than they exhibit themselves. E.g. The so-called bad boy, who wants to date upstanding women, hoping that they’ll “lift him up.” Or, the whorish bar maid looking for her knight in shining armor to whisk her away from her badness and to give her reasons for living in more upstanding fashions; the whole marrying up phenomenon.
• Generally speaking: Any quality we seek in lovers that we do not provide in equal degree ourselves, means that we’re employing a dating double standard, which occurs in just about every couple I know to some degree.

However, there are many double standards that are healthy and in fact, necessary in order for a love relationship to flourish.  See my   piece for details.  Dating Double Standards Okay, Even Necessary   piece for more details

Tom Hesley

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Some people can indeed live as happily as can be without love relationships; if that’s what they truly wish to do. But that’s not the case for most of us, and apparently neither for many   celibate priests   either.  It appears that scores of celibate priests and nuns alike are not completely fulfilled sexually while maintaining their celibacy. Consider the years of sexual misconduct in the Catholic Church that is now being uncovered around the country, and who knows what goes on in the convents and parsonages after hours? I think these people are generally less devout than appearances imply. So even the most devout and practiced Christians have trouble   living happily without love.

Not that I’m faulting the celibate priests for failing to live happily without love. After all, I’d expect to see many break their vows (sexual and otherwise) because in making those vows, they’ve pitted themselves squarely against primal human urges by ignoring   Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. While we cannot know for sure if someone is truly happy, their actions provide potent clues as to their state of mind. The actions of celibate priests up to now suggest that they’re wanting sexually and   dangerously lusting for love;   particularly since they seek innocently trusting children for sinful fun in the confessional.

I’d argue that this rampant child abuse stems from neglected level three needs as described in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and suggests that celibate priests do not really live happily without love at all. After so much denying of the basic carnal needs, something’s got to give. And it often does in the form of deviant sexual behaviors by these celibate but human priests, nuns, and clergy.  Ignoring or vilifying our sexual urges, as the Christian faith seems to do, has created predator-like and thus, dangerous and sexually deviant behaviors in the church.  Perhaps it’s not wise to ignore the human need for love and affection therefore, and even more foolhardy to trust that a celibate priest has.

The great spiritual leaders on the whole, were probably less honorable than as portrayed in today’s romanticized books, simply because the temptations of the flesh are just too strong for all but the very few to overcome, without gratifying them. The thirst they produce is quite powerful and so fundamental to human proliferation that it gets incorporated into nearly every well-functioning human. So I’m skeptical of those celibate priests who claim to have never succumbed to the mating instinct, who carry the burdens of such denial, yet who boast that they’re maximally fulfilled and indeed live happily without love. It happens, yes. But truly happy and fulfilled lives without love are extremely rare.

Besides, in the days of the Buddha and Christ, in those times devoid of mass media, keeping secrets was much easier, with far fewer reporters and paparazzi flitting around. Even if one discovered incriminating information, exposing and substantiating it proved challenging. No film, no Internet, no radio, no television, no telephone, no fingerprints, no DNA. Back then, you only had word-of-mouth to inform the masses.  So it was much easier then to hide one’s sexual activities.  It was much easier to fool the public into thinking that you had managed to live happily without love when in fact, you were getting lots of hidden love. 

Did you ever wonder why monks and celibate priests spend so much time meditating, praying, and tending to the church? True, there’s much to do and learn for the aspiring virtuous priest. But all these devotional hours also serve to quell the lust for love by keeping the priest from books, movies, and other influences that might inspire more fantasies or leave him more wanting. While he may remain abstinent however, he apparently does not completely banish the lust from his heart. 

The priest, as evidenced by how many of them just can’t seem to keep their hands to themselves, cannot be maximally fulfilled with such questions outstanding. As the courageous man contends effectively with fear, so too does the esteemed priest contend with temptation. It’s the celibate priest’s contention with temptation that makes him great, not his ability to eliminate that temptation, though I would trust very few to fully live up to the ideal of celibacy. Living happily without love is virtually impossible.  So I doubt anyone who claims to be doing it.  The church needs to recognize just how powerful the need for carnal love is, and abolish the vows of celibacy to reduce the danger of child abuse coming upon thos innocent, church-going children. 

Tom Hesley

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• Church Ignores Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs
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• Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs
• More Than Just God To Live For
• Only True Love Truly Cures True Love Desire
• We Don’t Live Happily Without Love
• Why Doubt Religious Faith?

References

• Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs   definition on Wikipedia

Darwinism and its modern incantation, Evolutionary Psychology, are difficult reading for the blind and otherwise handicapped people. As with the Old Testament in the Bible, so far I find all bad news for the mating-minded disabled fellow in several Evolutionary Psychology texts I’ve read so far.

Further, reading the book,   Survival of the Prettiest   by Nancy Etcoff was largely to blame for the relentless sadness I’ve experienced at times, because it offers little hope for anyone who is neither really pretty, nor really rich, nor extraordinarily enabled. Admittedly,   Survival of the Prettiest   is a well-written work with hundreds of references to supporting studies. That is in fact, probably why I found this book so disheartening. The handicapped are indeed at a severe reproductive disadvantage.  As such, selection pressures steer the attractive ladies away from us. Reading that book while getting many rejections from women on the Internet, I feel now as though my dream is more futile than ever. My own experience seems to bear out precisely what Darwinism predicts. It’s no wonder I was down.  I’m daunted by Darwinism, because I’m vision-impaired.  So I wonder what my chances are if, as Darwinism suggests, women typically only mate with the highest functioning (non disabled) males.

How would Dr. Albert Ellis with all his Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) knowledge, instruct on how to advance against this seemingly impossible situation, where the blind man must face the realities of Darwinism to find a true love.  Ellis believed that humans could think their way out of more problems than they believe they can.  So the love news for the blind may be not all bad with the right thought processes in place if one has enough knowledge to properly utilize REBT techniques.

One argument that the REBT student might use to persuade the handicapped to keep pressing on in spite of the grave realities of Darwinism, is that that Darwin was quite the accomplished scientist.  That’s true, and his words shall remain preeminent in psychology now and for many generations to come.  But Darwin, in spite of his apparent completeness, still omits some of the story.

For instance, the deeply thinking REBT seeker would realize that Darwinism does not figure compassion into the mating game, because perhaps, sympathy has no healthy role as a criterion in mate selection. Nevertheless, I wonder if it would be possible for a disabled person to appeal to a woman’s kindly side as opposed to her erotic side at first, to get her to lower her barriers of   prejudice   long enough to give him a real chance. Most people resent another’s pity, and quite actively seek to avoid it. This attitude is frequently expressed by the handicapped. But pity can be a potent antidote to prejudice, long enough to open up her eyes so that she sees beyond the handicap in the fellow.

The blind ought to consider asking for ladies’ pity, openly admitting their handicap up front, and briefly relating the mating hardships they’ve encountered previously. They might consider fully acknowledging the woman’s aversion to dating someone understandably poor and lacking in social status like themselves. But they would ask her in spite of all that, to give them a break, and emphasize that they did the best they could, given their difficult-to-manage circumstances.

This would a long shot, yes. But when time is marching on, desperation indeed calls for desperate measures.   To overcome the prejudices of natural selection that social Darwinism explained so well, the handicapped truly need the compassion of attractive women to help them make their dreams of true come true. If the blind could convince the ladies that only through their compassion could they ever truly touch their dreams, maybe the women would not be so brutally rejecting. If the blind could impress on an attractive woman the power she has to brighten their lives for a time, perhaps they’d not so quickly reject when they first observe that the blind man is blind.

As painful as Darwinism-based Evolutionary Psychology is to read, reading it is probably necessary study for the blind man to develop a realistic view of his place in the dating world, and to get him thinking about ways to overcome the implied drawbacks of being blind, and move forward in the business of finding a true love.

Tom Hesley

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References

• Survival of the Prettiest   book information

Romantic rebuff   really does   hurt deeply,  and things that hurt generally speaking, negatively impact us even though they may not injure us physically per se.  So, romantic rejection is by no means undamaging, precisely because it deeply hurts  mentally.  It traumatizes.  While rejection rarely results in visible bruises or any immediately-obvious physical tolls whatsoever, being told no too often wounds the self-esteem in lasting ways.  In fact, too much rebuff can permanently cloud an otherwise positive outlook on life.  Too many snubs over too short an era, encourages chronic self-doubting. 

This consistently negative history of recurring love rejections, instills fear in us against trying again, by undermining our self confidence and resolve.  Perennial dismissals of us by those who intrigue us most can set us to wondering if our dreams of   happiness in love   are worth the pains of pursuing.  The cumulative hurt we feel may drive us to answer this question with a resounding NO, and convince us to give up the hope of fulfillment in love forever.  We give up the dream.  So, a lots of negative responses have kept us from what we want.

Not getting what we desire is perhaps the biggest cause of pain, dissatisfaction, and shortened life.  We’re forced to bear the pain of not getting everything we want, and it’s this burden that makes us humans human, and not gods; for the gods never pine, since anything they desire is within their easy grasp.  A god does not know the pains of unfulfilled desires.  But we humans know it all too well. 

Chronic denial of our dreams, even when we’ve become resigned to the notion that our dreams will never come true, can sour our moods, make us overly sensitive and reactive to rejection, trigger weight gain born of apathy, and other symptoms of depression, interfere with sleep, and thus, sap our good health.  Constant deprivation can anger us and so, drive us to commit violent crimes in extreme situations.  Specifically, unrequited love needs remind us that we’re outside our desired social circles and that there are no places that accept us fully where we wish to dwell.  This cements the idea that we either do not deserve, or are just not good enough to love dream girls.  Since this article is written in the context of a love quest, what us love seekers want most is to date the ladies we most desire.  We most wish to win the love quest. 

But repeated refusals by our preferred women leave us drained, unhealthy, and thus, less productive in the game of life than we’d otherwise be if we were fully gratified.  Frequent rejection starves us physically and emotionally.  Also, we’re likely to encounter harsh judgments from women due to our resulting reduced economic efficiency; which further exacerbates the problem.  It’s harder to concentrate enough make lots of money when we’re reeling from frequent romantic rejection.  If they think we’re earning less than we should be, they reject us even more.   So, loneliness begets more loneliness, and we’re compelled to shun and hide our insecurities rather than embrace them.  It’s a repeating cycle that holds us down in the dumps, sometimes for entire life spans.  So clearly, lots of rejection can be a cumulative and bad thing. 

Ideally thus, we should avoid useless romantic rebuff where possible to protect our physical and mental welfare. While some refutation is probably unavoidable in dating, we’re only equipped to handle so much without long-term disappointment and perhaps depression setting in.  So, pursue dating in moderation; especially if you’re prone to receiving lots of romantic rejection. It’s a shame that we must go though the pains of romantic rebuff to secure happiness in love.  But if we’re smart about our love quests, we can reduce the severity of the injuries from romantic rebuff. 

Inspired by audio journal episode:  AJE-2010-05-06-11-12.

Tom Hesley

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Dear   [BB],

My best advice to   find a good man   is:  Be yourself.   I know that sounds cliché. But being yourself is cliché, for good reason.  This rule is so fundamental to successful relations that it’s no wonder so many people say it so often and try to practice integrity so much; though many fail at self honesty to be sure. If you pretend  to be someone different than who you actually are to win a man (or woman for that matter), then you cannot truly win them, even if it appears that you have.  The Golden Rule of Successful Relationships: Fool unto others as you would have others fool unto you. 

If they fall in love with the facade you create through pretending, then in order to keep them in love with you, you have to   keep pretending.  Talk about a lover’s cross! It’s kind of like lying. Tell a small lie, and then you have to tell tens more to keep the lie appearing like the truth, not to mention all the brain power needed to figure out how to keep from being discovered.  Lying and pretending get real old, real fast; especially when the continued survival of your relationship depends on you continuing to lie and pretend.  You may think that you must fake and deceive a little to find true love.  But love cannot be true if born from makeup (either physical or mental). True love lasts.  But a love will not last when its imminent demise is promised by any lies that are necessary to keep it going. 

So, in your fight against fate to find a good man, being yourself is your most effective weapon. Not only will your sincerity attract more men that are truly compatible with you, but it will also discourage those who are not.  Yes, a man may reject the real you.  That’s true.  But if he does not find the natural you irresistible, then don’t betray yourself by pretending to be different than the person you are. This only wastes time by delaying his inevitable dissolution with you.  No relation is worth that constant wonder and fear that it will end at some unknown time; at least, not in the long run.

Let’s face it. There are equally valid positive and negative ways to interpret all states of being. No matter what you say or do, some with find reason to like it, and others will do likewise to hate it. So, just be yourself, because at least that way, for better or for worse, you’ll be less stressed, less anxious, and most importantly, you’ll be true. Shakespeare understood this well when he wrote: This above all; to thine own self be true.

Being comfortable with showing our true selves to the world is, I’ve found, one of life’s biggest, most daunting challenges. But once you achieve it, it is perhaps the most rewarding victory. Not sure most of us will ever reach a point where we can be totally free with our expressions. That extreme would probably not be too good for society at large. We all have skeletons (deep, dark secrets) and facets of our personalities that are best left unexpressed. But many of us go too far, and either express too little of ourselves, or express falsely – pretend to have different personality traits than we actually do. And this is where much of the wasted time and broken hearts originate in relationships, as apparently, you have learned.

Good luck, and take care.

Tom Hesley

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I’ve found that a fulfilling relationship starts with picking the best lovers.  But to do that, we should know what features she must and must not have to make us happy, in order to fall in love.  Our requirements of the right lovers (our dream girls) should be clear in our minds, and we should insist on them as gently but as firmly as possible.  If we do not, then we simply will not be fulfilled in the relationship.  One reason we may back down from insisting on our ideals being met, could be the   compassion   we feel for the lady.  But if we allow our sense of compassion to pull our heart strings in the wrong direction, we’ll end up picking the wrong women every time. While a noble trait in most other areas of life, allowing our compassion for her to bind us to her only leads to sadness and frustration.  It’s hard to choose wisely when compassion clouds your view. 

We should not compromise for the sake of the other because we feel sorry for her, when evaluating how attractive and thus, worth keeping we find her.  True.  We may feel sad that she’s lonely.  Indeed, her loneliness may be due to her lacking allure.  It probably is in fact.  That’s no one’s fault really; it’s just an unpleasant fact of the human condition.  So we may wish to ease her pain by spending time with her.  But allowing our pity for her to soften our resolve, to persuade us to ignore our preferences, and then go out with her anyway despite the missing attraction, is ill-advised.  It may please her in the short term.  But we’ll be miserable and unfulfilled all the while.  For every smile she aims at us as a result of our kindness, we’ll be frowning inside no mater how strong our kindly persuasions are.  In this scenario, her happiness would come at our expense; which is terrible soil for growing a fulfilling union that endures. Indeed, we have the best chances of picking a true dream girl when we’re least compassionate, and the most selfish.  Mating is a highly selfish pursuit; at least, healthy mating is anyhow.  You can’t afford to be kind when looking for a right girl to love. 

Generally speaking, there’s no room for pity in romance. The two rarely exist together because someone who is desirable is most likely not pitiable, and someone we pity, we commonly do not desire romantically. People in the main do not fall for folks that they believe to be lacking or needy (in need of pity or kindness beyond common courtesy).  Pity (or whatever it is that promotes it) extinguishes romantic love; particularly if the traits she lacks that make her pitiable in our eyes, are ones that we require in order to intensify our own passions (E.g. If a lady prefers to date taller men, then, though she may feel sorry for someone shorter, she’ll never feel in-love with him as long as she feels sorry for him).  By definition, if she feels sorry for his inadequate height, then though she may wish to be kind to brighten his days, she’ll always, deep down, think him inadequate.  He will never be “perfect” to her as long as she sees something about him to feel sorry for. 

In fact, we don’t feel sorry for people we consider completely adequate.  No amount of good will on her part will cancel out her sense that while he’s a great guy, he still just doesn’t “do it” for her.  Her compassion for him in this case, confuses the issue of her finding the right man; it derails her in her search.

There are essential roles for compassion to be sure; such as when a child gets sick, or when a lover is hurting once true love has already been established.  But pity is a lousy reason to move forward in a relationship when there’s no romantic motivation to do so.  Misfortune is never a good reason to stay with someone, so don’t mistake sympathy you feel for true love.  While kindness may be a useful component in a relationship to get us through some rough patches, it should never be made the primary reason we stay involved with someone. A lover’s chronic need for special kindness can completely extinguish the fires of romantic love.   

Now when an already-existing attraction is suppressed due to  prejudices,  diagnosis biases, and ill-informed judgments, eliciting compassion might work to persuade someone to lower these barriers and allow their underlying feelings to come through.  But the joy of being kind is a poor substitute for the desires and gratifications of true love.  If there is no attraction, then pity for the other will never suffice to fulfill us as much as a deeper, truer love for them will.  So don’t go out with someone because you think they deserve it or that they need it; do so because you feel that you deserve it and that youdesire it.  Be selfish.  Being a do-gooder might score you some brownie points with God.  But in my experience, it will never net you the true love of your life. So in order to pick the right women, make your decisions without compassion’s noble influence. clouding your judgment.  There’ll be plenty of time to show your compassionate sides to her later, but not during the mate-selection process. 

Tom Hesley

Be honest, kind, patient, available, and above all, be yourself. You shouldn’t have to fake these qualities; which show themselves naturally if you allow it.  If they don’t, if you’re ashamed of who you are for some reason, then perhaps you’re not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on yourself before pursuing your own love quest further.  Not only does fully accepting yourself as you are lessen the fear of rejection, but it   attracts women   as well.  I know of no lady who is turned off by honesty.  True, they may not always like the honest things you tell them about yourself.  But they’ll respect your ability to be honest just the same.  The women I’ve dated cited my honesty as one of my most favorable qualities, and no relationship of mine has ever ended because I was too honest.    

If you’re not yourself, if you’re behaving differently than you normally would, then a sweetie will probably sense your deception; though you might not be lying intentionally. Indeed, I’ve found that the seduction of a lady occurs more readily when I keep no secrets and put my dreams and desires out on the table early.  But then, I’ve endeavored to lead an upstanding life and so really, have no skeletons to hide in the first place; no felony convictions, no history of womanizing, no illicit drug use, no concealed diseases, no hidden sweethearts, and so on. 

For better or for worse, I’m pretty clean.  But I offer this not to brag, but to show that for me, being forthright is simple because fortunately, I have little to hide that would incriminate me before women.  Yes, some women may conclude that I’m uninteresting because “I’ve not lived,” and as a result, they think me naïve.  But that’s okay.  While many have rejected me due to this straight-laced image that comes through, many others highly respect me for it.  Indeed, I’m not out to please everyone; only those who would easily be pleased by me, as I am. 

You can never please everyone no matter how you behave.  If you’re a bad boy, people will avoid you out of fear, and if you’re good, they’ll stay clear because you’re square.   You’ll never win with everyone.  So don’t even try; lest you set yourself up for repeated disappointments and painful rejections.  Instead, you’d best behave in ways that most reflect your true personality and conscience.  This will always put off some, even if you’re absolutely perfect.  Indeed, your perfection itself may drive some away because they’ll resent you for being just so darn good. 

We all have some negative aspects in our histories that at first, might seem be best kept quiet.  Perhaps at one time we did use drugs or were arrested when we were less mature.  Maybe we were ordered by a judge to take anger management classes because we beat someone up.  But one inescapable hallmark of the human condition is that we make mistakes; particularly when young.  We’re not perfect.  No one is, even those who judge us for our imperfections.  The truth is that while not everyone learns from their mistakes, mistakes are nonetheless, perhaps the best guides to a more respectable and respectful life.  Indeed, someone with a history of many mistakes may in fact be a more informed lover than he who has made none.  Mistakes are how we grow into more advanced beings, and there isn’t a person alive today who has reached an esteemed position without committing some errors;  errors that others might deem shameful if they knew of them. 

So while you need not advertise your mistakes to every new girl, do not be ashamed of them (or learn not to be ashamed of them).  It’s often said that a man’s confidence attracts women.  If so, then to have the most confidence possible, you’ll need to get comfortable with the mistakes you’ve made.  Once you have fully accepted your good as well as bad parts, then one way to demonstrate that comfort is to freely discuss your errors; at an appropriate time of course.  Honesty can demonstrate confidence if well-timed, and women just love it.  With so much lying occuring these days, many ladies long for the man who shares his true self.  Honesty shows confidence and confidence attracts women.  So honesty attracts women. Honest men can find a girlfriend who better suits and compliments them than those who lie and invent new histories for themselves.

Once we make a mistake, it becomes an indelible and necessary part of the improved person we grow into from it.  If that mistake makes us a better person, then it was a good mistake to make.  Not that we should be proud of the mistake.  But we should stop faulting ourselves for making it.  Now I’m not suggesting that you tell her all of your mistakes.  Admittedly, it’s difficult to know for sure what to speak and what to keep quiet. Just make sure that what you do tell is simply honest and not misleading.  Then, you’ll increase your chances of finding someone who freely accepts you for you. By being truthful, you demonstrate that you’ve accepted yourself, flaws and all, and your acceptance of your true self is necessary in order to fully appreciate another who accepts you for you as well.  Good luck. 

Tom Hesley

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There are usually exceptions to most every rule. But as a general rule, women with body mass indexes (BMI) of 15 to 20 attract me the most often and most intensely. These are my goddesses. It’s automatic. It’s chemical. It’s electricity. It’s reflexive. It’s often   love at first sight.  It’s an involuntary reaction to the thin that I cannot change. Nor do I desire to change it. My attraction to thin women is part of who I am, and has always been.

So while this aspect of me may make me appear gravely imperfect in some others’ eyes, I still cannot settle for bigger BMIs. Larger bodies simply do not turn me on. I hold nothing against the bigger ladies. It’s just that I’m powerless to respond romantically to them; even if they have characters of gold. Unfortunately though, a   character of gold   cannot take the place of deficient physical attraction. No matter how nice a bigger lady treats me, no matter how honest and loving she is, she’ll be unable to create romantic allure in my heart without a naturally thin body to compliment her sweet personality. While I could be great friends with a big sweetie, experience shows that we’d probably never be great lovers who are actually in love with one another.

Now I’ve said nothing about how women should or should not manage their weight, and certainly would not expect a woman to “get thin” just so she could date me. In fact, I’d prefer that she be naturally thin, and not have to struggle to maintain her thinness. In fact, if some ladies prefer to sport curves, then more power to them. I just happen to prefer the thin side of a healthy BMI, which is 15 to 20. Many guys feel differently, yes. But personally, my heart beats loudest and fastest for the tall and quite thin and fair ladies.

If you think I’m shallow for this hard-wired preference, then let’s hear what you find attractive. I guarantee that no matter what you come up with, I’ll be able to make a solid case for you being shallow for that preference as well. Any single preference can be made to seem shallow with sufficient debating skills. So liking tall, thin women is on the whole, no more or less shallow than appreciating someone smart, rich, curvy, innocent, sophisticated, or whatever. We all have sacred preferences and things we value supremely in a mate that others might find shallow. Nonetheless, one of my core values just happens to be a BMI of 15 to 20 in a woman.

Who is to say that a particular preference is shallow, except those who, for whatever reason, do not meet it?  Those preferenes that make us fall in love at first sight should be embraced and sought after; not shunned.

Tom Hesley

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• What Is Ideal Body Weight?
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References

• Body Mass Index (BMI)   definition on Wikipedia
• Ideal Body Weight   definition