Tom's Views

Dear   [BB],

My best advice to   find a good man   is:  Be yourself.   I know that sounds cliché. But being yourself is cliché, for good reason.  This rule is so fundamental to successful relations that it’s no wonder so many people say it so often and try to practice integrity so much; though many fail at self honesty to be sure. If you pretend  to be someone different than who you actually are to win a man (or woman for that matter), then you cannot truly win them, even if it appears that you have.  The Golden Rule of Successful Relationships: Fool unto others as you would have others fool unto you. 

If they fall in love with the facade you create through pretending, then in order to keep them in love with you, you have to   keep pretending.  Talk about a lover’s cross! It’s kind of like lying. Tell a small lie, and then you have to tell tens more to keep the lie appearing like the truth, not to mention all the brain power needed to figure out how to keep from being discovered.  Lying and pretending get real old, real fast; especially when the continued survival of your relationship depends on you continuing to lie and pretend.  You may think that you must fake and deceive a little to find true love.  But love cannot be true if born from makeup (either physical or mental). True love lasts.  But a love will not last when its imminent demise is promised by any lies that are necessary to keep it going. 

So, in your fight against fate to find a good man, being yourself is your most effective weapon. Not only will your sincerity attract more men that are truly compatible with you, but it will also discourage those who are not.  Yes, a man may reject the real you.  That’s true.  But if he does not find the natural you irresistible, then don’t betray yourself by pretending to be different than the person you are. This only wastes time by delaying his inevitable dissolution with you.  No relation is worth that constant wonder and fear that it will end at some unknown time; at least, not in the long run.

Let’s face it. There are equally valid positive and negative ways to interpret all states of being. No matter what you say or do, some with find reason to like it, and others will do likewise to hate it. So, just be yourself, because at least that way, for better or for worse, you’ll be less stressed, less anxious, and most importantly, you’ll be true. Shakespeare understood this well when he wrote: This above all; to thine own self be true.

Being comfortable with showing our true selves to the world is, I’ve found, one of life’s biggest, most daunting challenges. But once you achieve it, it is perhaps the most rewarding victory. Not sure most of us will ever reach a point where we can be totally free with our expressions. That extreme would probably not be too good for society at large. We all have skeletons (deep, dark secrets) and facets of our personalities that are best left unexpressed. But many of us go too far, and either express too little of ourselves, or express falsely – pretend to have different personality traits than we actually do. And this is where much of the wasted time and broken hearts originate in relationships, as apparently, you have learned.

Good luck, and take care.

Tom Hesley

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I received the piece below from [Emmy] in a comment for another blog post.  But this was so well expressed that I though it deserved main post status here on my blog.  This mirrors my feelings about America’s overuse of   makeup and cosmetics   to increase chances of finding true love.  She details how makeup not only creates false beauty standards, and how its use might not be honest.  But she further explains how the women who wear copious amounts of it hurt the feelings of those who wish not to fuss with cosmetics.   Is a person who wears makeup really any further ahead of one who does not?  [Emmy] has a definite opinion about that.  Enjoy. 

——

Dear Tom,

I agree with you that having   makeup   and the latest fashion only gets you so far in a relationship.  You could be totally ugly under all that stuff.  On the contrary, you could be as beautiful as the model on the run way, but have a nasty, unattractive streak in you.  As the saying goes “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.   I believe this with all my heart.  Having the best cosmetics and the latest styles will only get you as far as a few dates if you’re lucky.  But when you reach the second date and beyond, the reality of how you really look to the other person intrudes, and they may not like the unvarnished you. 

Well I know all too well about how the cosmetic industry works.  You can’t turn on the TV and not notice the cosmetic commercials for makeup and clothing flashing before your eyes.  You have to wonder.  What are they trying to say to the average Joe, that you’re ugly unless you wear our products?  Many people could argue this.  In fact I’ve always felt uncomfortable watching these commercials because they emphasize that I’m not good enough as a person unless I wear these products.  I also don’t feel comfortable around people who fuss about how they look.  What the heck I don’t even worry about this kind of stuff.  Sure, I like to look nice but not at the expense of my wallet.  I guess being on a limited income teaches you not to be too greedy with the luxuries of the cosmetic and fashion industry.

I don’t think of myself as a beautiful person, even though I hear it quite often from people on the street, close friends and my boyfriend.  I have always assumed that by using these products, you would attract more dates as well as make yourself feel more beautiful.  By wearing this stuff you prove to society that you’re imperfect and that the products will make you flawless.  I feel like a plain Jane on the street because I don’t fuss over my hair, clothes, or put on makeup.  I know that makeup would probably hide some of my complexion issues that affect me on a daily basis.  I would be deceiving others in what I truly look like.  Sure there’s more to someone than just their looks but I don’t believe that by using makeup and wearing flashy clothes enhances your chances on getting a great relationship from a man. 

I don’t have to do anything to get noticed by men.  I just wear my casual clothing and go about my business.  It’s not like I got any more noticed by wearing flashy clothes or makeup.  In fact there are quite a number of women who hide their facial imperfections with foundation and other cosmetic products.  When my boyfriend and I first met each other, I was curious what drew him to me, it’s not like I had the flashiest clothes or wore makeup.  In fact I just wore casual clothing, ranging from t-shirts, sweat shirts, to jeans and sneakers.  In fact this is how I feel most comfortable when presenting myself to others. 

I’m already hard on myself for not being as beautiful as the girl on the street but no matter how much advice I get from friends and loved ones it doesn’t change my mind.  I want to look like everyone else.  I’m not happy with my looks, some people just laugh at me because they think that I’m gorgeous.  A lot of men probably wouldn’t mind dating me, because they like what they see.  No matter how much fashion or cosmetics I might use, I will never see myself the way that others see me.  In fact, I feel just as plain and ugly with all of the glamorous products, as without them. 

Does a person actually feel more beautiful by wearing all of this crap?  I don’t think so.  They probably just do it because everyone else is doing it, and they don’t want to look awkward.  Their opinion of themselves is probably still there, and they believe that by wearing this stuff, it will boost up their confidence.  It might make you seem more confident to others, but at the end of the day, you are you.  You can lose weight, and change your hair etc all you want but you can’t change others opinions about how they feel about you. 

True beauty comes from within not only yourself but whoever is viewing you.  This is a constant struggle for me because I’m always telling other women how unattractive I am.  Don’t think that makeup and clothes can make others fall in love with you because that’s all in your mind.  The makeup must come off eventually.  So why not reveal your true and honest self to others to begin with?  At least if you show your true self early on, you’re not sending wrong signals about yourself or misleading anyone about how you really look underneath all that goop. 

Men and women alike, appreciate someone who is honest. Right?  So why don’t we all just be honest, and share our true natural selves with others?  If they don’t like us for who we truly are, than who needs them?  We just have to find someone who can accept us for the real us and not the false us.  People like honesty and they like to surround themselves with these types of people.  Let the cosmetics and fashion industry do what they will.  But we need not enslave ourselves to their products.  In the long run I don’t think we’re any better if we wear makeup. People will always judge us, yes.  But we just have to believe that we’re still worth it, even without the cosmetics.  Few people get truly happier by using makeup.

Emmy

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Many   makeup   and cosmetics commercials dishonestly convey an exceedingly unrealistic and dangerous ideal of how people are supposed to look to society.  Makeup distorts the notion of what   true beauty   actually is, and results in frequent mistaking a false, short-duration love for lasting and thus, true love.  The way makeup and clothing manufacturers pedal their wears really irks me. They seem to be saying that one is not whole or worthy of being loved unless s/he wears their junk on their faces, or garments on their bodies. Why do they do it, and have so many people buy in? Perhaps due to the same reason that the ANT, needs the chocolate covering to appear appetizing, right? Perhaps makeup enables a person to exaggerate their good looks, just as a chocolate coating makes an ant delicious to eat.

I do not believe in keeping things a mystery by hiding behind a face of makeup until it is too late to turn back. That’s a classic bait-and-switch ploy. Generally, I’m romantically unimpressed by a lady’s skill with makeup; I’d rather know what she looks like without the shimmer and glamour of cosmetics so that I can learn straight away if I’m capable of falling in love with the real her.

Many spend so much time faking their beauty that they never learn how to show off their true beauty comfortably. Here, the ant tastes better, minus the chocolate. Rouges, powders, oils, buffers, foundations, mascara, and any other cosmetics may cover true age, hide blemishes, and accentuate one’s desirable features while downplaying the less interesting ones. But makeup cannot very long obscure the truly (or not) loveable parts of a lady; that whole part of her that once revealed, includes blemishes and all. It’s this whole part revealed that makes men and women (at least, those of substance) fall in love if they’re going to.

Such disguises confuse the issue however, by creating fake beauty and dysfunction in relationships. They trick our innocent bystander into swallowing the ant without knowing the true nature of the morsel beforehand. The chocolate hides the “anty” nature of the ant until it’s too late, just as makeup hides a woman’s true beauty until a man becomes too emotionally involved with her to pull away.

What these makeup lovers may not realize is that any love lust they create in another with their visual slights of hand, lasts only as long as the makeup stays in place. Eventually the cosmetics come off though, revealing the true beauty or lack there of. I’m turned if I find that makeup has been used to hoodwink me, because hiding one’s true appearance shows the change artist to be dishonest.

Ideally, men and women would meet wearing absolutely nothing – no clothes, no makeup, no cosmetics, and thus, no pretense. We’d see nothing but them in their unabashed entirety. This would simplify figuring out whom we might or might not love, because we’d see everyone’s true beauty, right up front. Since true beauty lasts, while the fake beauty that comes from makeup does not, we could more remaining attracted to a potential lover much longer than the false love lust that makeup use often generates. Why? The visual impressions that encourage love at first sight would not as likely vanish; not like they do when the skillful application of makeup inspires the love, but then comes off. Love then, would last longer than the first sighting, and in fact, become love at many sightings, an indefinite number in fact.

Since love that lasts looks a lot more like true love than the short-lived attractions for which makeup is often responsible, it hard to ignore the notion that true beauty, not makeup, wins true love. Find love without makeup, and chances are that the love you find will last, and thus, be more true.

Tom Hesley

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In my love quest, I’ve noticed again and again that   beauty fades   from virtually all women in a distressingly short time.  Sometimes, those intense feelings of enchantment disappear after just one date, while at others, beauty fades more slowly, but still, too quickly nonetheless.  I often meet initially very gorgeous ladies.  Then within seconds, they become just another girl in the average lot.  Indeed, in my experience, beauty’s awe-ful quality nearly always vanishes within a few months of meeting a new lover. Sadly and eventually, they assume a look of plainness that is totally devoid of romantic or sexual significance; as if I was looking at my sisters or mother. Why does beauty fade like this so often? 

Most of us would love finding   lasting beauty   in our lovers.  But to do that, it’s important to first understand what makes beauty fade.  Then, we might more accurately identify and avoid those dead-end relationships, where we lose the attraction early on, but find it hard to get away due to the emotional ties that grow up in spite of the withering magnetism.  It’s sad to love somebody without being   in love   with them, and by knowing some reasons why beauty fades, we can take steps to avoid that very unfulfilling situation.

So, here are some of the behaviors that I’ve found, can degrade my perception of beauty and romantic attraction in the women I’ve dated:

1. Over-Exposing.  Beauty fades at times because we overindulge in it over too short a time, like when one eats too much candy on Easter morning.  Eat that first peanut butter egg, and it tastes heavenly. Eat the second immediately afterward, and it still tastes quite good, but not quite as yummy.  Quickly follow that up with a third egg, and the delicious sensations further decrease.  Eat enough of these cups in rapid succession and eventually, what tasted wonderfulat first, will begin tasting sickening.  Likewise with a beautiful date.  Spend too much time with her, and her beauty will cease to be stunning.
2. Over-sharing.  Beauty fades too, because people say too much.  Indeed, there’s often a mad rush in a budding relationship to tell all about ourselves during the first date or two; good and bad.  But while being completely open is ethically admirable, revealing too much can hasten the discovery of a real deal breaker, that douses the romantic fires; often forever. 
3. Over-makeup-ing.  Sometimes, beauty fades once the makeup, concealing clothing, and more-pleasant-than-usual behaviors drop away.  While putting the best foot forward may be helpful when job interviewing, exaggerating the positive while downplaying the negative can have devastating consequences in dating.  It can promote beauty fading.  If one acts richer, smarter, more educated, thinner, heavier, pristine, or prettier than she is naturally, then the truth will eventually come out (sooner if she quickly reveals too much), and foil any chances of lasting beauty she might otherwise have reaped.    
4. Over-Drugging.  Drugs such as alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin among others, alter one’s perception, and can exaggerate or even creat  beauty in our perceptions of others that we would not experience without the drugs. 

So in light of the above causes, one might try the following behaviors to prevent her beauty from fading from her lover’s eyes. 

1. Don’t date the lover too often. As a general rule, to keep her beauty lasting, I try to go on a date   only when   I’m feeling romantically inclined to do so.
2. Be honest but not too revealing. Never lie.  But don’t reveal your “bad side” until you’ve laid a significant, positive foundation of you in your lover’s mind.  Indeed, lasting beauty depends on a certain amount of lasting ignorance.  So consider carefully that urge to tell all very early. 
3. Be yourself.  That is: To encourage your lover to see lasting beauty in you, act in ways that are natural to you.  These natural behaviors you’ll be able to reproduce the most consistently, and they’ll be less likely to change over time. 
4. Avoid psychoactive drugs. The mind functions most consistently when not under the influence of mind-altering drugs.  So if you do not wish to go to sleep with someone beautiful but wake up with someone ugly, then do not use these drugs.  Lasting beauty lingers best without them. 

Tom Hesley

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10:30 PM: Talked with   [Emmy] on the phone.  She described a news story she heard today that said that guys are wearing more makeup nowadays.  She’s quickly becoming a zealous makeup advocate, saying that if she could, she’d wear it to hide her “imperfections.”   Well, this author at least, is patently against makeup.

My position on this for perhaps a decade now, is that humans need to get used to each other’s   natural beauty;   blemishes, scars,  and all.  Yet makeup perpetuates and emotionally overcharges the ideas that blemishes are bad, and  that everyone should look perfect; which I disagree with fervently.  People should appear as themselves, and I’m against makeup because people use too much of it to change their appearance too drastically.  Makeup obscures natural beauty; the most lasting beauty of all.

Indeed, makeup’s overuse  makes folks appear so different that one really can’t be sure what the made up person actually looks like.  This can create shock and disillusion in budding relationships especially, when the guy first sees his lady without her makeup, and it’s not fair to him. 

Makeup used thus, is a tool of deception in bait-and-switch schemes that one party sets up to ensnare another, exuding a very different look from their natural appearance in order to attract lovers.  Then, when the makeup comes off, the attracted one realizes that the schemer is not what he wanted after all.  This can irritate the fooled one as well as sadden the schemer. I’m against makeup because of how much disappointment and dissillusion in relationships can be traced back to it.

In writing, authors often hide their meanings behind big words and long sentences. This can mislead readers whether intended or not, and making it harder to figure out the true meaning.  Well, in dating, the overuse of makeup does the same thing; it makes it hard to immediately determine whether the made up person is really someone we’d be attracted to.  Makeup is used to tell a lie.   Thus, generally speaking, I’m against makeup use to look “better.”   You cannot fake natural ability (talent).  Likewise, you can’t fake natural beauty either. 

Tom Hesley

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Does makeup win true love?  Well, beauty may be an illusion. But makeup extends and intensifies this false impression; particularly when it’s applied to attract men that the woman would not typically attract without it. When makeup and other feature-altering devices that come off along with the clothes are used in this way, then this is offensive and deceptive in my opinion.

Consider why it happens so often that a fellow loses interest in a lady he thought prior was a true love, the first time he sees her naked? Many ladies speculate that for these men, the fun is in the chase itself, and not the reward. Men, they say, are simply looking to carve another notch in their bedposts, and once he wins “the prize,” there is no more prize to be won. Thus, he loses his desire to win that woman, as he’s now won her. So he’s off to pursue another.

This may in fact be the case for some guys. But it’s also true that many lose interest because for the first time, they see an unvarnished view of the lady, and simply do not like what they see. They realize that she’s not really as attractive as she appeared to be during their earlier courtship. This example illustrates how the devices of beauty can indeed mislead; wasting both her time and his, and creating much emotional hardship for the two of them besides. He’s disillusioned, and she’s embarrassed. Not good.

Further, I have yet to see any large-scale, independent studies that prove the effectiveness of makeup in securing a “better” man and truer love. Are the ladies who wear makeup to snag men really any happier in their relationships than those who do not? Do they marry higher caliber guys when they primp for hours prior to a date, as compared to those who wear less goop, and thereby present a more natural (and thus, consistent) view of themselves? Do they even date more men at all? I don’t know, It’s not clear. Check out Naome Wolf’s book: The Beauty Myth for further arguments along these lines. I don’t believe that beauty itself is a myth. What is the myth however, is the idea that women need the props to be more beautiful.

I’m also troubled by the use of the adjective “improve” when people describe the application of makeup, clothing, and other devices and chemicals. It’s by no means universally true that these things actually improve anything when applied to someone who is not physically deformed or scarred.

Indeed, whatever it is that really makes each of us beautiful is not so easily manipulated; though many think it is. But it’s not, for so many reasons that I’ll not list right now. Perhaps we can discuss that another time. Oh, to be sure, one’s “looks” can be altered (such as during a date). But if a man’s attraction depends on beauty devices, then the image of beauty that she’s created will naturally dissolve when they’re removed; as frequently happens when she “lets her hair down,” and allows him to see her for the first time, uncovered.

So to avoid the widespread deceptions of makeup, I think the best place to find true love would be in a nudist colony; or at least at a beach or other swimming area, where clothes, jewelry, and makeup are scarce. Seriously, no girdles, no sports bras, and no concealed toilet paper in the bosom. None of that. Then, I can tell immediately if I’m likely to be physically attracted to her once we get to the bedroom. Otherwise, I must wait weeks, or months at times until I finally get that full view. Then, if it turns out that I’m not attracted, now it’s much more difficult to end the relationship because emotional bonds have formed, we’ve begun to intertwine our lives, and so on. But in this guy’s experience, no amount of emotional bonding can overcome a lack of basic physical attraction; nor should it.

This is where the “trickery” with makeup and similar props comes in. Many folks reason that if they can keep their lovers “in the dark” about how they really look, and they can do it long enough, then these other bonds will form. Then, even if their beloveds find them wanting physically, they’ll not leave because departing would be too painful. Emotional blackmail. Now I admit that there are perhaps many “good” reasons to use a “best-foot-forward” approach to life. But when it comes to the mating game, I maintain that your best bet is to avoid altering your appearance very much, because you may impress someone initially. But it won’t last. They’ll be frustrated, and you’ll be hurt.  Makeup does not really win true love therefore.

Tom Hesley

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