Tom's Views

In my nearly twenty years of technical work experience, I’ve noted the following qualities, habits, and management styles that made an  effective manager   out of all of those I most enjoyed working for:

1. An effective manager makes cogent statements, yet quickly incorporates new information into his evaluation processes.
2. The most effective manager strongly sticks to his or her positions until new, significant ideas surface that disprove the validity of said positions.
3. An effective manager is expectant yet understanding.  That is, she insists on getting the job done right, but shows compassion and understanding for her workers when they run into legitimate problems meeting her goals.
4. The effective manager is demanding while at the same time, compromising and giving.
5. Soft-spoken firmness characterizes the most effective managers.
6. An effective manager knows how to do the job yet teaches and empowers his employees to do it too.
7. An effective manager is positive but realistic.
8. Effective managers are direct yet sensitive.  They clearly express their expectations and opinions but do so in the least offensive and hurtful ways.
9. An effective manager is happy yet sincere.
10. A most effective manager is easy to please. Yet he instills a sense of true accomplishment among his employees. He never publicly trivializes what his workers accomplish, even if it’s simple or just a small amount.  He never publicly puts down those who report to her.
11. An effective manager is supportive in front of other groups.
12. Competence describes an effective manager. The most effective managers know the important technical details of the tasks that their departments are performing.
13. Effective managers create a positive, low stress work environment, where employees feel valued, respected, and sufficiently challenged.

The most effective managers exhibit all of the traits discussed above. So look for them next time you’re shopping for a new manager. The most productive management styles are easy to spot, especially if you can meet other people working for the manager. Keep the above in mind as well, if you want to learn how to become an effective manager yourself.

Tom Hesley

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Low vision, faulty legs or arms, deafness, and the symptoms of simple aging can heap big challenges on people so affected, especially in dating. Further, not only is there the challenge of the disability itself to cope with, but also, the negative ways most non-disabled folks regard the disabled.  Many disabled people report that they’ve struggled over the years to date people they find attractive. The root of that struggle is this: When the non-disabled learn of the disability, they immediately bolt. They avoid dating a disabled person. This generally happens regardless of whether people tell them early on, or hesitate several weeks. No matter how well the non-disabled know the disabled, once they dub the disabled as such, natural selection seems to dictate that any romance that might have been, vanishes forever. Most healthy folks avoid the disabled men. So the disabled might as well become asexual.

Some disabilities hamper more disabled women in this way than disabled men, while for others more men are negatively impacted socially than women.  Just about any disability that impairs a man’s ability to provide well for a woman and family, discourages non-disabled women from dating him.  Likewise, any disability that impairs a woman’s ability to properly birth and raise children
discourages men from dating her.  The result is that most disabled people, regardless of sex, do not regularly date much less marry.  They are left alone and isolated.  While the healthy are lonely as they look for that “perfect mate,” so too are the disabled while they search for that rare person (disabled or not), who accepts them and who does not regard their disabilities as disabilities.

To be sure, the non-disabled (those in perfect health) will often be courteous, and perhaps even pity disabled persons, as they attempt to secure their places in Heaven with God, once their life here on Earth is done. But they’ll likely never seriously date a disabled person. They will rarely be in awe of him.  So, non-disabled women will never see disabled men as acceptable mates. He will never be the “perfect” man in their eyes due to his disability.  Nor will the disabled woman ever become the goddess in his eyes. Not even the holy enticement of the eternally good afterlife makes most of those in perfect health truly love disabled people, and view them as complete equals.

But this is so sad, because dating a disabled person can be one of the most rewarding experiences a mortal can enjoy. I’ve dated numerous disabled women and non-disabled alike in my time. I have found that helping a blind woman locate a coat that she’s misplaced, read a users’ guide for a new appliance, or describe what’s happening on TV screen to someone who cannot see it themselves makes me feel quite useful and needed.  It erases any guilt I might otherwise feel, for being too idle, and fills me with a greater sense of
meaningful purpose.  There is no more justifiable way to spend your hours, than in the service of others.  Indeed, I feel much less lonely while helping.  I sense that I’m truly making a positive difference in the life of a wheelchair-bound person for example, when I push them to lunch, or around the mall as we shop.

Helping others is perhaps the safest, yet most effective antidepressant.  It makes us feel good about ourselves, and the disabled represent a ready-supply of opportunities for helping.  Perhaps people at large would not be so depressed these days, if they’d only help others  little more. People are simply too focused on themselves and what they want for themselves.  This narcissism can leave us feeling quite sad, especially when we so often do not get what we want while believing strongly how much we deserve it.

But dating a disabled person definitely lifts spirits.  While helping them find greater happiness and joy in spite of their plights may not give you precisely what you think you want in life, helping nonetheless will attend well to your rightest needs.  True, you probably won’t make lots of money serving others day-in and day-out.  But you’ll experience increased health; both physical and mental.  You’ll truly get outside of yourself, and thus, observe a much longer-lasting sense of achievement than any job promotion, bigger house, or better car can ever provide.  Plus, you’ll lower your stress levels, as it’s much easier to please someone you’re helping than a cranky boss and his or her ever-increasing expectations of you.  So if you feel sad that you’re not making a bigger positive difference in this world, then by all means consider dating a disabled person.  I believe that the disabled were probably put here to not only test the brawn of compassion in the healthy, but also to help the healthy remain healthy by providing endless opportunities for meaningful service.  So help yourself and the disabled as well.  Date the disabled.  If you have any need whatsoever to give of yourself, you defiitely won’t be sorry.

Tom Hesley

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How is it that we’ve come to live in such a tit-for-tat or quid pro quoculture these days? Are people just so worried about losing something that they’ve become reluctant to truly give of themselves unconditionally? 

In fact, we need not   get everything back   we   give in kind  in order to secure lasting happiness; money being the possible exception to this. So why are people so intent on keeping such detailed scores of who does what and when?  Why do they insist on getting everything back that they give in such precise measures?  That doesn’t sound very compassionate of them to me. 

It’s true that getting something back for our efforts feels nice, because it shows that our beneficiaries appreciate us.  But refusing kindness to those who really need it because we estimate that they cannot give us something equally valuable back, is crazy.  Why?  Because by passing up opportunities to   give of ourselves   without reservation, we’re also skipping over chances to raise our levels of   contentment in life.  Since lacking contentment in life seems to trouble people more than ever these days, I’d say that society in general really needs to practice more   unconditional love   giving, and be far less concerned with over-giving.

Loving unconditionally (something that the selfish person might deem as over-giving) is a joyous thing and is thus, probably the most effective anti-depressant available.  Yet so many folks fail to give in the most therapeutic ways possible (E.g. unconditional giving), because they’re so concerned that they’ll be taken or that they’ll waste their lives giving without getting the happiness they seek in return.  Indeed, they have their own agendas for reaching happiness and believe that they must stay focused on only those paths to reach it, else they’ll never be happy.  So they refuse to take the time to give in ways that others need them to do so. 

Consider the dispositions of those who do not give much, and I think you’ll find them to be chronically sad, depressed, mean, and discontented with their lives.  I’m sure most of us have observed that grumpy old man or woman neighbor; the person who sees no one, and will not allow little kids into his or her yard to fetch a ball that they kicked there by accident.  Nor will this ironically lonely individual retrieve their ball for them. He’d rather deny himself their company even though it would only be for a few minutes. This sad person paces the halls in his house, all by herself, angry, frustrated, snappy, and worst of all, unfulfilled.  If only they’d try reaching out a capable hand to help others less capable now and then, they’d probably find opportunities for lasting happiness in places where they never expected to find it.  Giving is such a loving thing; at least as much so for the giver as the receiver.

My lady friend enjoys giving me long back massages, but I don’t return them because I just don’t enjoy doing them. Instead, I reimburse her favor in other ways: I help her shop. I buy her things she needs for her apartment. Plus, I bail her out when she accidentally messes up her computer.  Indeed, I devote much energy to making her day better, although it’s not the same energy that she devotes to improving my day.  So, while I’m confident that I return the general pleasure to her that she gives to me, I realize that I do not give her back precisely what she gives to me.  But there’s nothing wrong with that arrangement, as long as both people are getting things they wish to receive in the relationship. 

Thus, there’s no hard and fast rule that says that if I accept anything at all, that I must give that same thing back in return.  Who made that up?  We need less quid pro quo and more   unconditional love   both given and received, to lessen society’s need for therapists, anger management, and other expensive yet stopgap remedies for unhappiness.  Next time you feel angry, sad, or depressed, just try giving unconditionally of yourself to someone that really needs your kindness.  See if then, you don’t feel better about your life. 

Tom Hesley

I’ve spent perhaps ten years living in   noisy apartments,   in which most of the racket came from needlessly and frustratingly   noisy neighbors.  In fact, people shouting, pounding, and stomping about whether above, below, or beside me, has driven me from several otherwise wonderful apartments.  I especially hated the routine door slams, barking dogs, curses, and the constant murmur of televisions playing.  So, I know just how difficult   coping with noisy neighbors   can be.

Yet in this day of slumping housing markets and high unemployment, people are doing what they can to pay less housing expenses.  Thus, many have given up their single-family dwellings; opting for cheaper but jam-packed apartments instead.  I hope they realize however, that with cheaper rent comes sacrifice.  One sacrifice that most apartment living  implies is the quiet and peaceful living environments typically found in suburban homes.  Apartment living may save lots of money, but it will almost surely cost you much peace and quiet.  So carefully consider this option before signing that lease with a landlord.

In apartment living, the bad news is that there is currently no perfect solution to quiet a chronically noisy neighbor except to move somewhere else; thus a hidden cost of apartment living to work into your budget. This is true because:

• Directly approaching the noisy neighbors can worsen the situation, since some folks intentionally make more noise once they know that they’re bothering someone.  Cruel.  So, the thought of direct negotiation with noisy neighbors intimidates me, as some I’ve encountered became downright beligerent when I tried talking with them.  In all my cases, I did approach the noisy neighbors.  At best though, the noise levels remained the same and at worst, they got louder; not softer.
• Landlords are typically uncooperative about enforcing peaceful-living ordinances, and have rather limited legal powers anyway.  They can’t just kick out a noisy neighbor without due process, and that due process can take months or even years to execute.
• You can try fighting noisy neighbors with lawyers in the courts.  But that can run into the thousands of dollars, and requires that you spent lots of time meticulously gathering evidence of the noisy neighbors in action.
• If the noisy neighbors are not extremely loud or repeatedly heard by others who would agree to testify on your behalf in court, the degree to which noisy neighbors irritate is very difficult to prove to a judge.
• Tape or digital recorders just cannot reproduce the full extent of the low rumbles and thunder-like crescendos of repeated door-slamming and rickety rocking chair thumps and squeaks for example.   Their playback always renders the noise much softer and therefore, less obtrusive than it actually is.
• A plaintiff is likely to receive no sympathy from a native, city judge who grew up in a bustling area and has gotten so used to noisy neighbors that he does not even hear them anymore.  Such a city-dwelling adjudicator might even chuckle a little before dismissing the case.
• Finally, even if the noisy neighbors are removed, another bunch may move right in.  Then, the whole process of getting THEM to be quiet must start all over again.  How much of your life would you like to spend accomplishing nothing more than fighting noisy neighbors?

So in my experience, the least expensive and least stressful, yet most effective and most permanent way to cope with noisy neighbors, again, is to avoid coping with them at all, and just leaving.  But leaving is simply not an option for many of us quiet-worshippers.  So, I’ve found several imperfect yet reasonably effective ways to cope with loud apartments and noisy neighbors specifically as follows:

• Get used to wearing earplugs most of the time and especially at night.  It took me a couple years and lots of trial and error with different types of earplugs.  I had to learn how to properly insert them for maximum noise-reducing effect.  I like the cotton-impregnated soft beeswax earplugs best.  Custom fitted earplugs may even work better, though I’ve never tried them.
• Wear sound-canceling headphones a lot to reduce the ruckus of noisy neighbors.
• Run fans, SleepMates, or other white noise generators all the time.  I got pretty inventive in my apartment living heyday, and used an electronic white noise generator that I fed through my home stereo system.  This created a low rumble sound that blocked most door slams and thumping foot falls.
• Spend lots of time away from the noisy apartment so you don’t have to hear as much of the racket.  Noisy neighbors are more tolerable if you hear less of them (of course).  Their noise seems to be cumulative in that the more you hear it in a short period of time, the more instantly irritating it becomes.  So, to make noisy neighbors less irritating, find other places besides your apartment to spend significant amounts of time.  I used to visit the book stores often and spend several hours in them during each visit.
• Just grit your teeth and put up with the noisy neighbors.  How do you do that?  I’ve yet to learn.
• Talk to a therapist about possible psychological solutions for becoming more tolerant of the noisy neighbors.  Indeed this can take years and cost lots of money.  But people report some success at learning how not to react to the sudden thumps of noisy neighbors using various relaxation techniques.
• Move to another apartment in the same building (it could be better but might very well be worse).  But when you’ve dealt with noisy neighbors for months, that gamble may become quite worthwhile for you.

Unfortunately, American culture does not value quiet living as much as it values preserving the freedom from excessive rules about being quiet.  Never mind that noise pollution stresses us out and cuts our learning abilities and productivity.  Contractors continue building cheap apartments where insufficient steps have been taken to sound-isolate each unit.  Further, apartment living is a popular way of life here in America, and with the housing crisis mentioned above in full swing, is fast-becoming the de facto living standard for many who simply cannot afford to purchase a single-family dwelling.; a house that is physically not connected to any other  So I hope my experiences with loud apartments discussed above help the masses better cope with noisy neighbors in a time where this problem is likely to get worse; not better. I myself would rather live in a ramshackle but quiet shack than a noisy penthouse apartment.

Take care.

Tom Hesley

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Older women typically do not   date   much    younger men   because they wish to avoid the jokes, ridicule, and statements of concern from friends and parents.  But thse “frends” should keep quiet; especially if that older woman is happily in love. 

Indeed, lasting dating relationships are indeed forming between older women and younger men. We hear more today about the exploits of the so-called cougar (the older woman). Relationships in which a large age difference exists (more than five years) are firing up more often these days, and the participants seem quite happy with their lovers. It’s good to see that age discrimination dropping in the dating arena.

Age differences between older women and younger men become less noticeable as the relationship progresses. Many people, especially those who’ve never dated anyone very far from them in terms of the years of age, harbor prejudices about very much older women or ver mucy younger men.

Of older women, the younger men might say:

• That older woman won’t be able to keep up with me.
• That older woman probably way out of shape underneath her clothes.
• I’ll have to take care of this older woman because he’ll get sick with age way before me.

Of younger men, the older women might say:

• That younger man will still act like a kid and want to hang out in bars.
• That younger man will take foolish risks with his health.
• I’ll feel like that younger man’s father more so than his lover.

Another reason people resist the concept of older women dating much younger men, is that the romance could just be a novelty that wears off quickly. But novelty is found in most any love relationship, especially at the start of it and especially with those new to the dating game. So novelty does not seem like it’s exclusive to dating arrangements involving vastly different ages among the partners. Besides, once you dissipate the novelty by dating a few much older or younger lovers, the next relationship like this you find won’t be so exciting due to the age thing. Once you have a little experience, true love rather than novelty will more likely bind you to your sweetie. So while I would not recommend settling down with the first much older or much young lover you find, I’d also say that novelty is a poor excuse for an older woman not to try dating a younger man, and vice versa.

But younger men often find dating older women more comfortable and comforting. Many younger men believe that the older women are not as moved by money, status, and power; quantities which the younger man typically has less of since he’s still young and thus, has not yet established himself as a successful business man or entrepreneur. This is often true of older women, as many of them have already dated (or in many cases, married) the so-called rich man, and found the experience lacking. They’ve dispelled the myths of increased happiness when having lots of money long ago. Indeed, older women seem more content living off of their own accrued wealth, than do the younger women. So dating older women may be less threatening for younger men.

Her girlfriends may try to talk the older women out of dating younger men because they’re jealous themselves. These naysayer friends resent the older woman’s ability to get with younger men because they’ve tried all their life to acquire the very things (status, money, and power) to impress such a person, yet that person doesn’t seem to be swayed by these symbols of success. The older woman’s happiness befuddles and confounds her nay saying friends.

Another possibility that those opposed to older women dating younger men is that they have baggage. But in this case, an older person’s baggage may in fact be good wisdom that she’s acquired throughout her longer dating life. Experience has taught her how to better make her love relationships successful. Thus, baggage may be bad in fact, but can often be an asset as well. Again, this is no reason to forego dating a much older or younger person, as baggage impacts most relationships to some degree; even when the lovers are the same age. Being the same age means not that the two have similar experiences. One could have been traumatized or dated lots more in her life than the man. All these things create the potential for negative baggage. The fact that the woman is older does not in any measurable way, mean more negative baggage in her dates with younger men.

Some others, for inexplicable reasons, just don’t like the thought of dating someone far removed from their own age for reasons. That’s prejudice. That’s humbug. If you find an older person that sets your heart on fire, then go for it and date them if they’ll have you. To deny them means that you could be denying yourself the happiness and fulfillment in love that so many of us hope to find these days. So don’t discriminate based solely on age. After all, age is usually just a number.

Examples of older women dating younger men:

• Cameron Diaz (Dating Justin Timberlake with a nine-year difference).
• Demi Moore (in 2001, she was 40, and dating a man who was 25).
• Madonna married a younger man.
• Couple on Opera: Liby is 26 years olde than her lover, Joe.  At the airing, she was 52 and Joe was 26 years of age.

Tom Hesley

Sometimes women  play hard to get  to test just how attracted to them a man really is.  If he keeps coming they reason, despite the repeated rejections they dish out, then his feelings must be genuine, deep, and therefore, lasting.  But then, these same women are miffed when, after the relationship blossoms, the fellow frequently ignores their feelings.  Their play-hard-to-get test, rather than proving his undying interest, only showed him to be a bully because these sorts of tests attract men more interested in conquest than true love.  So, the play-hard-to-get test is a lousy indicator of the true depth of a fellow’s attraction. Playing hard to get only attracts men who enjoy “the chase,” and not those interested in finding true love. 

In fact, many truly caring guys with deep feelings will back off immediately when rejected, out of respect.  Indeed, how quickly a man takes no for an answer might be a better measure of the depth of his feelings; namely deference and considerateness.  The more quickly he scats, the more sensitive he is.  The longer it takes for him to back off, the less empathic he might be.  So watch out for men who persist, even after being rejected, because this could indicate that he devalues women’s wishes.  This could be right dangerous to ladies who love him.  Thus, typically, the technique of playing hard to get to stoke the flames of passion in the man you desire yields only a disrespectful, callous man who probably won’t stay interested in you should you ever become easy to get. 

The better approach for the fellow wondering whether he should press on through her rejections, is to take at face value what she says, and don’t try to read between the lines.  If she says no, she in all likelihood means no, and thus should not be challenged again without clear invitation from her.  To approach her again without a clear green light to do so creates fertile grounds from which needless rejection sprouts. 

While there are rare occasions when NO actually means YES, we’re nonetheless happier taking NO to mean what is almost always does:  NO!  This keeps dating simpler, and could very well keep us guys out of jail!  Challenging a woman’s rejection is never a good idea even if you know that she’s just playing hard to get, because women are highly sensitive and easily scared off these days by men who attempt to overly dominate them.  It’s critical therefore to avoid such appearances, and make sure to always treat her face-value wishes as supremely important.  Respect her always; even when she says no. 

And ladies?  Please stop playing hard to get.  If you especially like a guy, playing hard to get makes you a liar because you’re misleading him about your true feelings.  Your treatment of him becomes fake because you’re making him think that you do not like him as much as you really do.  Then to, would you enjoy a guy treating you with the coldness, lacking punctuality, and carefree regard that those playing hard to get often do?  Come on, now.  This is the basic Golden Rule. You win true love through truth; not the deceptive practice of playing hard to get.  Be honest instead.  If you feel easy, then act easy. 

Take care.

Tom Hesley

Sometimes however, people we want to love reject us though they may actually want a date, and they do it for non manipulative reasons besides.  Perhaps they’ve experienced love at first sight for us, but are afraid to get involved with a new lover because they were badly hurt by their last one, and wish not to risk a so-soon repeat of that experience.  Or, maybe they fear how a new relationship, though desirable, will impact their career or home life that they’ve worked for years now to establish.  They may even have children, and though they may like us immensely, they want to move slowly to see if we can be trusted around their young.  In these cases, their resistance may appear at first as rejection.  But it’s not.  It’s more of a cautious yes than a definite no. Learning to recognize situations like this helps us to better manage emotional risks.  Here, asking someone for a date later, who has rejected us may not be so painful. This makes for smart  risk management  as a way to steer clear of traumatizing yet pointless rejection, and reducing the trauma can reduce rejection fears too.

We should be able to sense the difference between definitive, irreversible rejection, and cautions acceptance.  There’s a difference between her saying no because she detests us, and no because she wants to be careful though she likes us very much.  In these cases, it makes sense to subject ourselves to rejection a second, third, or fourth time. Risk management methodology suggests that in these cases, our risk of being hurt again is lower; particularly since she’s communicated that her reason for saying no is not because she finds us disdainful, but of a more practical concern.  Her saying no could in fact have nothing to do with us per se.  So, she may well be worth a risk later. 

There are times when it’s smart to keep pressing forward, even when you get “no” early on.  Again, reading her nuances and listening closely to her voice tells the true and whole story.  All of this is valuable input we should use in our risk management strategy as a means of reducing the pains of romantic rejection.  Still though, when she’s unwavering in her denial of our invitation, our best bet is to pack it in and move on to another, as we need not (nor should not) have to coax someone to love us. 

While some judicious risking makes sense, the rest is silly, and well-executed risk management in dating demands that we be able to tell the difference.  I’ve found that when it comes to the   fear of rejection,  playing  against  the odds too often gets you hurt in big ways and only exacerbates the fear of rejection. So I encourage more of a play-it-safe approach; one that just as effectively gets the job of ringing out interested ladies done, yet goes more with the odds rather than against them.  Gamble only when the odds favor you.  The rewards can be just as worthwhile, and the pain and damage to the self-esteem when risking more intelligently (good risk management), are greatly reduced.  Thus, our overall confidence level rises, increasing the chances of connecting with women we truly wish for in spite of being afraid of rejection.  Enduring needless love rejection is one handicap that no one can afford in the love quest. 

Inspired by audio journal episode:  AJE-2010-05-06-11-12.

Tom Hesley

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Romantic rebuff   really does   hurt deeply,  and things that hurt generally speaking, negatively impact us even though they may not injure us physically per se.  So, romantic rejection is by no means undamaging, precisely because it deeply hurts  mentally.  It traumatizes.  While rejection rarely results in visible bruises or any immediately-obvious physical tolls whatsoever, being told no too often wounds the self-esteem in lasting ways.  In fact, too much rebuff can permanently cloud an otherwise positive outlook on life.  Too many snubs over too short an era, encourages chronic self-doubting. 

This consistently negative history of recurring love rejections, instills fear in us against trying again, by undermining our self confidence and resolve.  Perennial dismissals of us by those who intrigue us most can set us to wondering if our dreams of   happiness in love   are worth the pains of pursuing.  The cumulative hurt we feel may drive us to answer this question with a resounding NO, and convince us to give up the hope of fulfillment in love forever.  We give up the dream.  So, a lots of negative responses have kept us from what we want.

Not getting what we desire is perhaps the biggest cause of pain, dissatisfaction, and shortened life.  We’re forced to bear the pain of not getting everything we want, and it’s this burden that makes us humans human, and not gods; for the gods never pine, since anything they desire is within their easy grasp.  A god does not know the pains of unfulfilled desires.  But we humans know it all too well. 

Chronic denial of our dreams, even when we’ve become resigned to the notion that our dreams will never come true, can sour our moods, make us overly sensitive and reactive to rejection, trigger weight gain born of apathy, and other symptoms of depression, interfere with sleep, and thus, sap our good health.  Constant deprivation can anger us and so, drive us to commit violent crimes in extreme situations.  Specifically, unrequited love needs remind us that we’re outside our desired social circles and that there are no places that accept us fully where we wish to dwell.  This cements the idea that we either do not deserve, or are just not good enough to love dream girls.  Since this article is written in the context of a love quest, what us love seekers want most is to date the ladies we most desire.  We most wish to win the love quest. 

But repeated refusals by our preferred women leave us drained, unhealthy, and thus, less productive in the game of life than we’d otherwise be if we were fully gratified.  Frequent rejection starves us physically and emotionally.  Also, we’re likely to encounter harsh judgments from women due to our resulting reduced economic efficiency; which further exacerbates the problem.  It’s harder to concentrate enough make lots of money when we’re reeling from frequent romantic rejection.  If they think we’re earning less than we should be, they reject us even more.   So, loneliness begets more loneliness, and we’re compelled to shun and hide our insecurities rather than embrace them.  It’s a repeating cycle that holds us down in the dumps, sometimes for entire life spans.  So clearly, lots of rejection can be a cumulative and bad thing. 

Ideally thus, we should avoid useless romantic rebuff where possible to protect our physical and mental welfare. While some refutation is probably unavoidable in dating, we’re only equipped to handle so much without long-term disappointment and perhaps depression setting in.  So, pursue dating in moderation; especially if you’re prone to receiving lots of romantic rejection. It’s a shame that we must go though the pains of romantic rebuff to secure happiness in love.  But if we’re smart about our love quests, we can reduce the severity of the injuries from romantic rebuff. 

Inspired by audio journal episode:  AJE-2010-05-06-11-12.

Tom Hesley

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Dear   [BB],

My best advice to   find a good man   is:  Be yourself.   I know that sounds cliché. But being yourself is cliché, for good reason.  This rule is so fundamental to successful relations that it’s no wonder so many people say it so often and try to practice integrity so much; though many fail at self honesty to be sure. If you pretend  to be someone different than who you actually are to win a man (or woman for that matter), then you cannot truly win them, even if it appears that you have.  The Golden Rule of Successful Relationships: Fool unto others as you would have others fool unto you. 

If they fall in love with the facade you create through pretending, then in order to keep them in love with you, you have to   keep pretending.  Talk about a lover’s cross! It’s kind of like lying. Tell a small lie, and then you have to tell tens more to keep the lie appearing like the truth, not to mention all the brain power needed to figure out how to keep from being discovered.  Lying and pretending get real old, real fast; especially when the continued survival of your relationship depends on you continuing to lie and pretend.  You may think that you must fake and deceive a little to find true love.  But love cannot be true if born from makeup (either physical or mental). True love lasts.  But a love will not last when its imminent demise is promised by any lies that are necessary to keep it going. 

So, in your fight against fate to find a good man, being yourself is your most effective weapon. Not only will your sincerity attract more men that are truly compatible with you, but it will also discourage those who are not.  Yes, a man may reject the real you.  That’s true.  But if he does not find the natural you irresistible, then don’t betray yourself by pretending to be different than the person you are. This only wastes time by delaying his inevitable dissolution with you.  No relation is worth that constant wonder and fear that it will end at some unknown time; at least, not in the long run.

Let’s face it. There are equally valid positive and negative ways to interpret all states of being. No matter what you say or do, some with find reason to like it, and others will do likewise to hate it. So, just be yourself, because at least that way, for better or for worse, you’ll be less stressed, less anxious, and most importantly, you’ll be true. Shakespeare understood this well when he wrote: This above all; to thine own self be true.

Being comfortable with showing our true selves to the world is, I’ve found, one of life’s biggest, most daunting challenges. But once you achieve it, it is perhaps the most rewarding victory. Not sure most of us will ever reach a point where we can be totally free with our expressions. That extreme would probably not be too good for society at large. We all have skeletons (deep, dark secrets) and facets of our personalities that are best left unexpressed. But many of us go too far, and either express too little of ourselves, or express falsely – pretend to have different personality traits than we actually do. And this is where much of the wasted time and broken hearts originate in relationships, as apparently, you have learned.

Good luck, and take care.

Tom Hesley

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Be honest, kind, patient, available, and above all, be yourself. You shouldn’t have to fake these qualities; which show themselves naturally if you allow it.  If they don’t, if you’re ashamed of who you are for some reason, then perhaps you’re not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on yourself before pursuing your own love quest further.  Not only does fully accepting yourself as you are lessen the fear of rejection, but it   attracts women   as well.  I know of no lady who is turned off by honesty.  True, they may not always like the honest things you tell them about yourself.  But they’ll respect your ability to be honest just the same.  The women I’ve dated cited my honesty as one of my most favorable qualities, and no relationship of mine has ever ended because I was too honest.    

If you’re not yourself, if you’re behaving differently than you normally would, then a sweetie will probably sense your deception; though you might not be lying intentionally. Indeed, I’ve found that the seduction of a lady occurs more readily when I keep no secrets and put my dreams and desires out on the table early.  But then, I’ve endeavored to lead an upstanding life and so really, have no skeletons to hide in the first place; no felony convictions, no history of womanizing, no illicit drug use, no concealed diseases, no hidden sweethearts, and so on. 

For better or for worse, I’m pretty clean.  But I offer this not to brag, but to show that for me, being forthright is simple because fortunately, I have little to hide that would incriminate me before women.  Yes, some women may conclude that I’m uninteresting because “I’ve not lived,” and as a result, they think me naïve.  But that’s okay.  While many have rejected me due to this straight-laced image that comes through, many others highly respect me for it.  Indeed, I’m not out to please everyone; only those who would easily be pleased by me, as I am. 

You can never please everyone no matter how you behave.  If you’re a bad boy, people will avoid you out of fear, and if you’re good, they’ll stay clear because you’re square.   You’ll never win with everyone.  So don’t even try; lest you set yourself up for repeated disappointments and painful rejections.  Instead, you’d best behave in ways that most reflect your true personality and conscience.  This will always put off some, even if you’re absolutely perfect.  Indeed, your perfection itself may drive some away because they’ll resent you for being just so darn good. 

We all have some negative aspects in our histories that at first, might seem be best kept quiet.  Perhaps at one time we did use drugs or were arrested when we were less mature.  Maybe we were ordered by a judge to take anger management classes because we beat someone up.  But one inescapable hallmark of the human condition is that we make mistakes; particularly when young.  We’re not perfect.  No one is, even those who judge us for our imperfections.  The truth is that while not everyone learns from their mistakes, mistakes are nonetheless, perhaps the best guides to a more respectable and respectful life.  Indeed, someone with a history of many mistakes may in fact be a more informed lover than he who has made none.  Mistakes are how we grow into more advanced beings, and there isn’t a person alive today who has reached an esteemed position without committing some errors;  errors that others might deem shameful if they knew of them. 

So while you need not advertise your mistakes to every new girl, do not be ashamed of them (or learn not to be ashamed of them).  It’s often said that a man’s confidence attracts women.  If so, then to have the most confidence possible, you’ll need to get comfortable with the mistakes you’ve made.  Once you have fully accepted your good as well as bad parts, then one way to demonstrate that comfort is to freely discuss your errors; at an appropriate time of course.  Honesty can demonstrate confidence if well-timed, and women just love it.  With so much lying occuring these days, many ladies long for the man who shares his true self.  Honesty shows confidence and confidence attracts women.  So honesty attracts women. Honest men can find a girlfriend who better suits and compliments them than those who lie and invent new histories for themselves.

Once we make a mistake, it becomes an indelible and necessary part of the improved person we grow into from it.  If that mistake makes us a better person, then it was a good mistake to make.  Not that we should be proud of the mistake.  But we should stop faulting ourselves for making it.  Now I’m not suggesting that you tell her all of your mistakes.  Admittedly, it’s difficult to know for sure what to speak and what to keep quiet. Just make sure that what you do tell is simply honest and not misleading.  Then, you’ll increase your chances of finding someone who freely accepts you for you. By being truthful, you demonstrate that you’ve accepted yourself, flaws and all, and your acceptance of your true self is necessary in order to fully appreciate another who accepts you for you as well.  Good luck. 

Tom Hesley

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