Tom's Views

I’ve found that a fulfilling relationship starts with picking the best lovers.  But to do that, we should know what features she must and must not have to make us happy, in order to fall in love.  Our requirements of the right lovers (our dream girls) should be clear in our minds, and we should insist on them as gently but as firmly as possible.  If we do not, then we simply will not be fulfilled in the relationship.  One reason we may back down from insisting on our ideals being met, could be the   compassion   we feel for the lady.  But if we allow our sense of compassion to pull our heart strings in the wrong direction, we’ll end up picking the wrong women every time. While a noble trait in most other areas of life, allowing our compassion for her to bind us to her only leads to sadness and frustration.  It’s hard to choose wisely when compassion clouds your view. 

We should not compromise for the sake of the other because we feel sorry for her, when evaluating how attractive and thus, worth keeping we find her.  True.  We may feel sad that she’s lonely.  Indeed, her loneliness may be due to her lacking allure.  It probably is in fact.  That’s no one’s fault really; it’s just an unpleasant fact of the human condition.  So we may wish to ease her pain by spending time with her.  But allowing our pity for her to soften our resolve, to persuade us to ignore our preferences, and then go out with her anyway despite the missing attraction, is ill-advised.  It may please her in the short term.  But we’ll be miserable and unfulfilled all the while.  For every smile she aims at us as a result of our kindness, we’ll be frowning inside no mater how strong our kindly persuasions are.  In this scenario, her happiness would come at our expense; which is terrible soil for growing a fulfilling union that endures. Indeed, we have the best chances of picking a true dream girl when we’re least compassionate, and the most selfish.  Mating is a highly selfish pursuit; at least, healthy mating is anyhow.  You can’t afford to be kind when looking for a right girl to love. 

Generally speaking, there’s no room for pity in romance. The two rarely exist together because someone who is desirable is most likely not pitiable, and someone we pity, we commonly do not desire romantically. People in the main do not fall for folks that they believe to be lacking or needy (in need of pity or kindness beyond common courtesy).  Pity (or whatever it is that promotes it) extinguishes romantic love; particularly if the traits she lacks that make her pitiable in our eyes, are ones that we require in order to intensify our own passions (E.g. If a lady prefers to date taller men, then, though she may feel sorry for someone shorter, she’ll never feel in-love with him as long as she feels sorry for him).  By definition, if she feels sorry for his inadequate height, then though she may wish to be kind to brighten his days, she’ll always, deep down, think him inadequate.  He will never be “perfect” to her as long as she sees something about him to feel sorry for. 

In fact, we don’t feel sorry for people we consider completely adequate.  No amount of good will on her part will cancel out her sense that while he’s a great guy, he still just doesn’t “do it” for her.  Her compassion for him in this case, confuses the issue of her finding the right man; it derails her in her search.

There are essential roles for compassion to be sure; such as when a child gets sick, or when a lover is hurting once true love has already been established.  But pity is a lousy reason to move forward in a relationship when there’s no romantic motivation to do so.  Misfortune is never a good reason to stay with someone, so don’t mistake sympathy you feel for true love.  While kindness may be a useful component in a relationship to get us through some rough patches, it should never be made the primary reason we stay involved with someone. A lover’s chronic need for special kindness can completely extinguish the fires of romantic love.   

Now when an already-existing attraction is suppressed due to  prejudices,  diagnosis biases, and ill-informed judgments, eliciting compassion might work to persuade someone to lower these barriers and allow their underlying feelings to come through.  But the joy of being kind is a poor substitute for the desires and gratifications of true love.  If there is no attraction, then pity for the other will never suffice to fulfill us as much as a deeper, truer love for them will.  So don’t go out with someone because you think they deserve it or that they need it; do so because you feel that you deserve it and that youdesire it.  Be selfish.  Being a do-gooder might score you some brownie points with God.  But in my experience, it will never net you the true love of your life. So in order to pick the right women, make your decisions without compassion’s noble influence. clouding your judgment.  There’ll be plenty of time to show your compassionate sides to her later, but not during the mate-selection process. 

Tom Hesley

Be honest, kind, patient, available, and above all, be yourself. You shouldn’t have to fake these qualities; which show themselves naturally if you allow it.  If they don’t, if you’re ashamed of who you are for some reason, then perhaps you’re not ready for a relationship, and you need to work on yourself before pursuing your own love quest further.  Not only does fully accepting yourself as you are lessen the fear of rejection, but it   attracts women   as well.  I know of no lady who is turned off by honesty.  True, they may not always like the honest things you tell them about yourself.  But they’ll respect your ability to be honest just the same.  The women I’ve dated cited my honesty as one of my most favorable qualities, and no relationship of mine has ever ended because I was too honest.

If you’re not yourself, if you’re behaving differently than you normally would, then a sweetie will probably sense your deception; though you might not be lying intentionally. Indeed, I’ve found that the seduction of a lady occurs more readily when I keep no secrets and put my dreams and desires out on the table early.  But then, I’ve endeavored to lead an upstanding life and so really, have no skeletons to hide in the first place; no felony convictions, no history of womanizing, no illicit drug use, no concealed diseases, no hidden sweethearts, and so on.

For better or for worse, I’m pretty clean.  But I offer this not to brag, but to show that for me, being forthright is simple because fortunately, I have little to hide that would incriminate me before women.  Yes, some women may conclude that I’m uninteresting because “I’ve not lived,” and as a result, they think me naïve.  But that’s okay.  While many have rejected me due to this straight-laced image that comes through, many others highly respect me for it.  Indeed, I’m not out to please everyone; only those who would easily be pleased by me, as I am.

You can never please everyone no matter how you behave.  If you’re a bad boy, people will avoid you out of fear, and if you’re good, they’ll stay clear because you’re square.   You’ll never win with everyone.  So don’t even try; lest you set yourself up for repeated disappointments and painful rejections.  Instead, you’d best behave in ways that most reflect your true personality and conscience.  This will always put off some, even if you’re absolutely perfect.  Indeed, your perfection itself may drive some away because they’ll resent you for being just so darn good.

We all have some negative aspects in our histories that at first, might seem be best kept quiet.  Perhaps at one time we did use drugs or were arrested when we were less mature.  Maybe we were ordered by a judge to take anger management classes because we beat someone up.  But one inescapable hallmark of the human condition is that we make mistakes; particularly when young.  We’re not perfect.  No one is, even those who judge us for our imperfections.  The truth is that while not everyone learns from their mistakes, mistakes are nonetheless, perhaps the best guides to a more respectable and respectful life.  Indeed, someone with a history of many mistakes may in fact be a more informed lover than he who has made none.  Mistakes are how we grow into more advanced beings, and there isn’t a person alive today who has reached an esteemed position without committing some errors;  errors that others might deem shameful if they knew of them.

So while you need not advertise your mistakes to every new girl, do not be ashamed of them (or learn not to be ashamed of them).  It’s often said that a man’s confidence attracts women.  If so, then to have the most confidence possible, you’ll need to get comfortable with the mistakes you’ve made.  Once you have fully accepted your good as well as bad parts, then one way to demonstrate that comfort is to freely discuss your errors; at an appropriate time of course.  Honesty can demonstrate confidence if well-timed, and women just love it.  With so much lying occuring these days, many ladies long for the man who shares his true self.  Honesty shows confidence and confidence attracts women.  So honesty attracts women. Honest men can find a girlfriend who better suits and compliments them than those who lie and invent new histories for themselves.

Once we make a mistake, it becomes an indelible and necessary part of the improved person we grow into from it.  If that mistake makes us a better person, then it was a good mistake to make.  Not that we should be proud of the mistake.  But we should stop faulting ourselves for making it.  Now I’m not suggesting that you tell her all of your mistakes.  Admittedly, it’s difficult to know for sure what to speak and what to keep quiet. Just make sure that what you do tell is simply honest and not misleading.  Then, you’ll increase your chances of finding someone who freely accepts you for you. By being truthful, you demonstrate that you’ve accepted yourself, flaws and all, and your acceptance of your true self is necessary in order to fully appreciate another who accepts you for you as well.  Good luck.

Tom Hesley

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Some advise that in order to get over the   fear of romantic rejection,   that you should actually seek out as much rejection as you can. Well, experience shows that, unlike the fear of riding a bike or bungee jumping from a high peer, the fear of romantic rejection does not go away by practicing getting rejected over and over. In fact, getting more of what you fear (romantic rejection in this case) may indeed make you fear it more; not less, depending on the outcome of the actual rejection experiences. Indeed, the costs of focusing only on increasing the numbers of romantic rejections received, are psychologically high and can have long-lasting, fear-increasing effects. Such costs are:

1. Too much wasted time and excessively hurt feelings. Why ask a lady out when you’re virtually certain that she’ll say no anyhow? If she says no once, then she’ll probably never change her mind; at least not because she’s had a sudden change of heart. Indeed, there’s little to be gained from conducting these futile exercises in rejection except the shame of being stupid enough to repeat them. When something shames us enough times, we develop a strong aversion to it; we build up more fear for it and thus, avoid it more. So getting over the fear of rejection is not best accomplished by repeatedly defying our rejection fears.
2. Needlessly frequent and traumatic rejections. It’s one thing to simply be told no. That’s humiliating enough. But it’s quite another (and more painful thing) to be told no with the added message that she thinks you’re a fool, particularly when you have indeed acted like one by ignoring her wishes that she’s communicated to you through her body language.
3. Loss of a good reputation. Asking the same woman out too often can make you into a stalker in her eyes as well as her friends’. When getting rejection numbers up are the only focus, we often forget who we’ve already approached particularly when contacting hundreds of women in a night on the town. Women talk crassly about tactless men, who appear to be not only insensitive, but on the make as well.
4. Missed opportunities to learn from rejection. If you don’t stop after each rejection to consider what happened and learn from it, you’ll be little more likely to get a Yes the next time. And who wants to keep repeating the same mistake? True gamblers are never content to just sit back and play the game; lossy hand after hand. They’re constantly looking for ways to improve their odds of winning, and the high stakes force them to think hard after each hand lost how to reduce the chances of that happening again. Those seeking mates should also be forever on the look-out for new angles, and ways to avoid needless romantic rejection while pursuing every legitimate opportunity for love that they can.
5. Wasted resources such as needless money spending. Often, guys buy ladies drinks and other gifts, even when they strongly suspect that she doesn’t like them. That’s a real waste besides playing right into the hands of those gold-digging bad girls that we’ve heard so much about in recent years. Yet these fellows do so hoping to melt her heart. While such strategies might work on the so-called gold-digging lady, they will not on any woman whose only agenda item is to exchange love with a desirable man. All the gifts in the world will not make her love you if she’s not attracted to you in the first place.
6. Less time for other pursuits. If we’re constantly out in the bars working the numbers, we’ll miss out on other, perhaps more enjoyable pastimes. To me in the 1990s, bars were a necessary evil that I had to endure in order to meet women. I didn’t like them, but couldn’t think of any other places where so many available and desirable ladies congregated. I would have much rather spent that time attending ham radio club meetings, shopping for CDs and books, and tinkering with computers. However, these activities weren’t often frequented by sought-after women. Yet now that I’m aware of the futility of meeting someone in a bar, not to mention the fact that I don’t drink anymore, I find these days that I make very much more time for hobbies than ten years ago. This was good because having true hobbies of passion can temporarily distract occasionally from the pains of romantic rejection.
7. Too many dead-end relationships. When all we care about are boosting the rejection numbers, it’s easy to become entangled in a relationship with a lady who isn’t the best for us. That is: Without careful prior consideration of the woman’s desirability, we can end up approaching ladies who look great from afar but cease looking so good as we move closer. But by the time we realize that she’s not for us, we’ve moved too close emotionally and physically because we were so interested in defying our fears of rejection that we missed key signs of incompatibility between she and ourselves. I’ve on occasion glanced women across the room that seemed perfect. Then I rushed over (before someone else would snag them) for a dance. Sometimes they’d say yes and next thing I knew, I’d be on the dance floor looking at her before me and wondering where her charm had gone that had been so plain but a few moments ago. I’d have headed off more situations like this if I’d only slowed down and focused more on figuring out if she was someone I really wanted instead of just defying my fears of rejection.

A strategy to reduce these costs of needless romantic rejection is to take five minutes and observe each new attractive lady from a distance. Let her see you looking at her, and watch for a reaction. If she turns away in disgust, then she’ll almost surely reject you. So don’t even bother moving closer because not only will you irritate her, but you’ll needlessly humiliate and injure yourself too. This will deepen your fear of romantic rejection and make it harder for you to approach women in the future. I’ve seen arrogant men talk to beautiful strangers on buses when it’s obvious that she wished to have nothing to do with them. This makes these men look pathetic and ugly. Only those with no conscience at all would be unscathed by this sort of rejection; rejection that they asked for by ignoring her signals. So don’t just approach anyone. Well-consider both your feelings and hers before approaching and in this way, can you truly reduce the trauma of romantic rejections, and the fear of them as a result.

Tom Hesley

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