Yes, low vision heaps big challenges on men so affected, especially in dating. I’ve struggled over the years to date attractive ladies, because when they learn that I don’t drive, they bolt. They avoid dating blind men (or in my case, a low-sighted man). That’s true whether I tell them early on of my disability, or wait a few months. No matter how much they know me, once they dub me a blind man, natural selection seems to dictate that any romance that might have been, vanishes forever. Most ladies avoid disabled men who can’t provide for them in traditional ways. So blind men might as well be eunuchs.
But an inability to provide doesn’t seem to affect blind females as much. I see more blind women with sighted men than the other way around. Historically, weak eyesight more impacts the male’s ability to perform traditional mating roles than the female’s. Low vision therefore, makes males less attractive than females. Apparently, dating blind men, to sighted women, is more off putting than dating a blind woman is to sighted men.
In fact, blindness night raise a woman’s appeal to men by stoking their evolutionary desires to protect her. To a degree the more helpless she seems, the more he’ll want her. He sees more opportunities to provide for her too, since a blind woman is probably less able to provide for herself. Men it seems, are tailor-made to meet the needs of partially- and non-sighted women. His upper hand on the power in the relationship is virtually assured when he dates blind women.
But it’s different for blind men. If a blind man seems helpless in the least, he’ll have serious trouble mating because evolution favors him less. He suffers greater reproductive disadvantage than does a blind lady as evolutionary processes discourage women from dating blind men. Over time, natural selection has weeded out most women who might find dating a blind man appealing. So today, such women are indeed few and far between.
To be sure, women will typically be courteous, and perhaps even offer the blind man pity, as they attempt to score brownie points with God. But they’ll likely never date a blind man seriously. So, they’ll never see the blind man as a Prince Charming. He will never be the “perfect” man in their eyes, even if they believe that caring for him will get God to grant them admittance into heaven. Not even this holy enticement makes most women truly love the blind man. So, given that the cards seem stacked so highly against blind males, it appears that blind women enjoy more fulfilling relationships on the whole with sighted men than bind men do with sighted women. Natural selection forgives more the blind woman than it does the blind man.
Also, though women’s liberation has expanded female roles in the 21st century workplace, it’s done little to modernize the traditional female values of being protected and provided for by tall, dark, able-bodied men. Though ladies today support themselves in our culture (a culture that encourages them to do so), they still fantasize about being taken care of by their Prince. So until that changes, blind men shall largely, be forced to live their lives without fulfilling lovers. Even today, dating blind men has a nearly-impossible-to-overcome stigma for sighted women.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a girlfriend, but still remember all the years I had to wait for her, sad and lonely. My eyes well up with tears sometimes when I recall all those lonely hours I waited for her, languishing. But I’m thankful to have someone now who doesn’t mind dating blind men. She thinks I’m wonderful, and accepts me as I am; an acceptance, in my case, nearly impossible to come by, while searching for lovers in the world of fully-sighted women.
Wow!! That must be a very hard thing for blind or visually impaired men to get the women that they desire in their lives. I can’t even imagine what you might have gone through. I think that it’s better to tell someone up front of your disability. It’s not your fault that you have the visual impairement and they shouldn’t hold that against you. If they do than there’s something really wrong with the other person for ruling yu out before they even get a chance to know you. Just because you have a visual impairement or any disability doesn’t mean you’re any less of a man. You can still make love to your partner and do just about everything else if given a chance by the other person. Some people can’t even imagine what it’s like to be blind, so I guess when they get involved with you that scares them and they run away. However, it’s a tough question to answer because everyone is looking for specific qualities that they want in a potential mate. People always want to know this kind of stuff about the person they’re going to date. At least if you tell them up front, they can make the ultimate decision about whether they want to date you or not. Even if they decide not to date you, it shouldn’t be because of your disability. if you with hold this information from women than they will feel like you lied because they ultimately assume that you’re a jerk and that you weren’t man enough to tell them of your impairement. They automatically assume that you are sighted and can drive them places. No one likes to be lied to and you put your conscience at ease by telling them the whole truth about yourself. If they don’t like you in spite of your blindness or visual impairement than you need to find someone who does love and care about you for what you really are, disability and all.
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I came to know a man through a long distance professional relationship on a project. Lets call him M. M is a highly educated professional and after about a year of working on this project together long distance I met M. I’m pretty sure he was quite nervous. Although it was a professional meeting, it was at a starbucks and it kinda resembled a first date, get to know you sort of thing. Although we now both live in the same city and i drive past his house at least 4 times a week for the last 3 months I’ve only met M one other time, at another coffee house and there was a professional reason for it–i had to approve a document and sign it and give it back to him. oddly, although he has what i understand to be a very nice office space in his house, and i’ve worked with him longer than anyone else hes ever had a project with, i’ve never been invited to meet him at his office/home.
M is in his late 30′s and recently married (2 years) . Is it a marriage that is sort of an arranged understanding? (he makes a good living, she is a guide) for several reasons I think that is a strong possibility. Also, although I’d never ask, I can read M’s voice pretty well and i know something has been going on in his life and i think divorce is a distinct possibility. Anyhow, if he does get a divorce, which i wouldn’t ever wish on anyone, honestly, i’ll have to figure out some way to be first in line to let him know i’d love to get to know him better in a romantic way, which of course i’d only do after our project is over. Hes just a really awesome person, sighted or not, whatever. Hes brilliant, funny and i deeply enjoy him. now, i know with professional relationships some people like to keep things totally separate and not be friends and do things with people they are working with on a project but, there have been several things i mentioned that he and his wife might like to show up at or i’d be happy to play docent for the event. and he never comes and rarely replies. Once I even emailed M and said, hey, this friday afternoon i’m going to the art museum. so if you want an excuse to get out of the office, you are welcome to have a tour with a super entertaining docent(me). Thats the best excuse for playing hookie i’ve got at the moment. He replied it was a kind offer but he was busy. no problem. Yes, i invited a blind guy to the art museum. why the hell not? everyone i’ve ever taken there has stood infront of a painting and said, “I have no idea what I’m looking at.” Art isn’t about the visual images it’s about concepts and representation. Oh yeah, I should mention my background and professional history is that of a designer. I’m a highly trained and skilled graphic designer. I literally have been paid to draw the flowers that end up getting printed on kleenex boxes. I would never say this to M but, the world is a fucking ugly place and designers are just paid to make it more tolerable to live in. Also, M is aware I have ADHD that manifests strongly in my sense of vision. I have what i call shiny object syndrome. Visual distractions make it impossible to do some tasks. So for me, vision is something i do struggle with at times. Nothing like what he deals with, but, it really is hard sometimes. One thing I love about talking with M is that he doesn’t know when i’m staring off into space to concentrate on what i’m saying, because if i was looking right at him i’d get distracted and loose what i was saying. I mean, I love chatting with M anyhow but, somehow my visual distraction issues arent a problem with him since, he cant see if i’m looking over his head or over his shoulder to concentrate.
Anyhow, I’m not sure if it’s me or his own guardedness but, M does definitely have some avoiding behaviors. After reading your blog a bit i do wonder if he doesnt expect rejection and not want to be hurt by it. When the project took a turn that looked like a nose dive that i’m sure he felt responsible for things got pretty distant for a while. i gave him all the space in the world and he came around but, sheesh, it’s damn near impossible to be supportive even in a professional capacity sometimes because he really passes up a lot of opportunities to interact or meet up. I mean, hey i’m going to be down the street from you on tuesday afternoon working at a coffeeshop between meetings feel free to join me. i’ve tried that a few times and it’s generally ignored. I haven’t tried to be any friendlier with M than i would with any other coworker over a 14 month period. But Im starting to wonder if other people havent been this open to him so it freaks him out a little.
My point here is that whether i’m dating M or not, i wonder if some of the issues you mention in your blog are affecting how he limits interaction. because when we actually do talk or meet up we have a really good time and laugh pretty hard, but he seems pretty guarded about interacting. I should also note, i dont think hes afraid i want to date him. because we have a sort of fiduciary relationship it would be really inappropriate to date him while we work together, married or not so i keep it totally innocent. And, i think M is a little worried that this high stakes project we are working on might tank and cause professional problems that could make it impossible (in his mind) to continue interacting because i think he would feel like a failure even though this project was a mess by the time he got his hands on it. Anyhow, i haven’t read all of your blog but, it might be nice to see a blog about how to let a guy that is blind know i genuinely like him as a person and id like to get to know him better. I can batt my eyelashes at him all i want but unless he can hear me doing that and connects it with a flirting behavior, it’s not going to send a signal. i mean, for me, when the project is over, i’d hope M would say he will miss me and he wants to know me personally and eventhough that is likely true i doubt he would ever say it. ALSO, i should note, the way this project is going i’m sort of in a damsel in distress role and he has the chance to be a white knight. for lack of a better analogy, it’s sort of like a client attorney relationship where he would be the litigator and i’d be the plaintiff.
Anyhow, I like your blog. it’s interesting. I think it’s unfortunate that blindness or visual impairment is seen as something limiting. Frankly, other than driving, I can’t think of any common task M doesn’t do that I can. so he doesn’t drive, in a professional or personal relationship that doesnt bother me.
so, if you haven’t posted something on this topic already, maybe consider posting about how one can casually flirt with a blind man in a way that is not offputting. If i were to meet a single man that happened to be blind that i liked i think i’d make a conscious effort not to casaually touch his arm while talking because i would want to startle him since he wouldnt see it coming. What can be done about that sort of thing? wear beaded bracelets on both wrists that make a little noise when you move your hands so he knows what gesures i’m making or if i’m accidentally about to touch him just because i like him and thats what i would normally do?
also, if someone really is used to getting turned down, which it sounds like a lot of blind men are, would it freak them out if a reasonably attractive woman said, hey, i think you are awesome and if you ever asked me to join you for dinner and a movie i’d rearrange my schedule to make sure i could say yes. is that emasculating?
as i told M once, I am not a big fan of the term Accommodations. I prefer the term alternative process. so what are the flirting alternative processes?
Kind regards
Amber